


The stars sail to the moon

by TotallyxAwesome



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Cruise Ship, Anxiety, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Human Castiel, M/M, Medication, Multi, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:05:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3808045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyxAwesome/pseuds/TotallyxAwesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is not in the best place of his life when his 29th birthday arrives. Jess and Sam surprise him with a voucher for a 16- days cruise, telling him it will be a good experience for him. Dean's anxiety gets worse, but will the friendly bartender named Castiel help him trough it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A new beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god, this story got deleted by my stupid internet connection (weird story)! Sorry for losing all your wonderful comments. Anyway I put it back up and still hope you enjoy! Chapter 2 is coming very soon.

_2008 January 24th_

“Happy birthday, Dean,” Jessica said as she kissed both his cheeks.

“Yeah, happy birthday, dude” Sam hugged him. Both he and Jessica were smiling wide while impatiently waiting for something.

“All right, what’s up with you two? You’ve been acting like giggling schoolgirls since I came here.” Dean said, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Jessica reached behind her, grabbing the envelope that rested in a bowl on top of the kitchen counter. “Here,” she smiled and handed Dean the envelope.

“Guys, you know you don’t have to buy me anything for-” the rest of his words were swallowed. He had opened the envelope to find a voucher inside of it, the cursive letters at the top said: “ _The GREAT LAKES Cruise_ ”.

“You deserve it, Dean, you know after everything...” Sam said, patting his shoulder. Sam was one of the few people who really understood Dean’s reaction to these things.

Dean was still quiet, his eyes were scanning the rest of the voucher.

 _“Fascinating trips on the breezy GREAT LAKES cruise._  
Delightful cruise vacations & the ideal cruise between East and West.  
With this voucher, you will be traveling from May 3rd till May 26th.  
Departure: Chicago, IL at 12.30 pm and Arrival: 5.30 pm in Warren, RI.”

“You know, you don’t have to...” Jessica said hesitant, seeing the look on Dean’s face.

“No, of course I’ll go. It’s just too much guys, thank you, really.” He hugged Sam again and gave Jessica a kiss on the cheek. He smiled to make the situation less awkward than it was. The truth was he didn’t really want to go. He knew they were sending him off to help his confidence, even though they would probably never admit it.

Ever since the accident, things had changed between them. Sam and Jessica were always looking out for him and whenever he had one of his (stupid) panic attacks, they were the first ones there to calm him down. It was incredibly sweet and Dean was very thankful, it was just extremely suffocating. He knew that wasn’t the reason they were sending him, but it was still at the back of his mind.

“will be there- Dean? Did you hear me?” Sam asked, looking a bit concerned.

Dean felt the need to roll his eyes at his overprotective brother. Since when did those roles turn? “No, what were you saying?”

“Charlie lives near Warren, in Providence, and she pretty much declared that you stay with her a few days after the Cruise. So she’s going to pick you up at the port.” Sam repeated patiently.

Dean smiled at the thought of Charlie, they had been friends for a few years now. Sadly he didn’t get to see her so much, so that was a nice surprise.

“There’s just one more thing. Don’t get mad with us, please, but-“

“Sammy...” Dean should have seen this coming.

“Dean, I said please. Look it’s not safe to send you out on a cruise of 16 days without any supervision. So we called Great Lakes and they had this special option, the only difference is that there is a specialist on board. Nothing more.

“No,” Dean said determinedly. “Sam, I’m not crazy!”

“Dean, I know you’re not crazy. This isn’t some weird therapy session we’re sending you to. There’s just someone on board to help you when needed.”

“And how is that not calling me crazy? Look I really appreciate it and I guess it would be good to give you some Dean-free-time. Just-“

Dean sighed, “I’ll go.” He threw his hands in the air. Under normal circumstances, he would not have complied, but he knew Sam and Jess meant well and knew he was spending too much time with them, anyway.

Sam sighed, “Jess is right if you really don’t want to go, I guess we could cancel.”

“Shut up, I’m going, but if this turns out to be crazy camp, I swear I’m going to shoot you in the a-“

Sam hugged him, cutting him off. “I think it will be good for you, Dean.”  
  
“And you get to decide the number of appointments, so it’s not like we’re forcing you,” Jessica added, her voice only filled with kindness.

“I’ll drive you to Lake Michigan on the 3rd of May and you’re flying back from Providence to Illinois on June the 1st. I know you don’t really like flying, but it was that or a 13-hour drive...”

“No it’s fine, I’m not that delicate, you know.” The truth was that Dean hated flying, but the babying was getting annoying and it had to stop.

 

* * *

 

_2008 April 27th_

_“I’m so excited to see you next month!”_ Charlie’s voice said through the speaker of Dean’s laptop.

“Maybe you’ll get sick of me and kick me out after the first day,” Dean joked. He didn’t need to look at the screen to know Charlie stuck out her tongue, he knew her well enough.

Dean was cooking a simple meal for himself while Skyping with Charlie, they had done that a lot since January. It was nice to have somebody other than Sam to talk to, he felt less of a burden to them now.

Dean lived in an apartment in Moline, Illinois. It was only 5 minutes away from Sam and Jessica’s place, but after the incident, that seemed for the best. He used to live in their hometown Lawrence, Kansas, close to their father. However, that wasn’t an option anymore.

* * *

 

_1983 May 2nd_

“I’m afraid your wife didn’t make it, sir. We’re very sorry. We did everything we could, but the blood loss was just too much for her.” The doctor said, his face showed compassion. “But you can see your son now, we were able to save him.”

John Winchester’s world collapsed right there. The floor was swept away right beneath his very feet, he could feel his knees hit the ground.

“Daddy?” Two young eyes stared at him in total confusion, his little hands grasping at John’s sleeve.

 

* * *

 

_2008 May 2nd_

“So have you packed like anything at all?” Jessica came over to help with the  _final_ packing.

Dean laughed apologetically, “Sorry Jess, to be honest, I haven’t.”

Jessica smiled back at him, “It’s okay. How about you start packing your essentials and I’ll help you to be stylish on board and start packing your clothes.”

“You’re the best,” he playfully patted her blonde hair. 

She rolled her eyes, “you know it”.

He went on a search for his passport, his pills, and his prescription letter. Because he needed heavier medicine than normal people, he had to carry the proof with him. It was like an annoying reminder of everything that was wrong with him and he hated it.

He looked at himself in the mirror. The bags under his eyes made him look tired as well as the scruff on his face. Then there was the fact that his hair hadn’t seen any product for months now. Way to look unkempt, Dean. He decided, what the hell, he might as well try to look the part for a cruise.

After he was done with his appearance, he gathered his stuff out of the bathroom and walked back the bedroom. His dark blue suitcase was flopped open on the bed and was being neatly packed by Jess, folding his clothes better than Dean had ever treated them.

“Well, look at you,” Jess said smiling broadly.

Dean chuckled, hiding the blush on his face, “thanks”.

“Hoping to meet a special someone on that cruise, perhaps?” She asked jokingly.

“Shut your face,” Dean said playfully. But honestly, was he?

His last relationship had been with Lisa Braeden, a wonderful and truly beautiful girl. It didn’t matter to Dean that Lisa already had a kid, he loved Ben. Dean had always liked teaching him stuff about cars and even though Dean was home schooled, he tried to help Ben with his homework. His life with Lisa was pretty great, it was simple yet loveable, like a real family.

They had been dating for over a year (the longest relationship Dean had ever been in) when he noticed she wasn’t happy anymore. Lisa tried to accept the drinking, the sudden anxiety attacks and the way his medicine made him feel numb. But Dean could tell it was growing harder on her, so he left. It was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, but he didn’t want to weigh them down, so he didn’t.

“Dean, honey, what’s wrong?” Jess walked over to him.

When did his hands start shaking? “I’m fine. Just zoned out, sorry” he tried to smile.

“Yeah, okay” She didn’t look any less worried.

She helped him pack the rest of his suitcase, rearranging every time Dean threw something in the suitcase. The conversations were kept light and neither of them talked about love anymore. Two full hours later everything was packed, even Dean’s handbag (which he would deny he had, should anyone ask).

That night, sleep did not come easily to Dean. He felt nervous, this would be the first time he would be away from his new home. He was excited to see Charlie, maybe he could get through this if he just counted until that day was here.

He turned and turned in his bed, trying to keep the bad thoughts away. It made him even more tired, which was a good thing since he wanted to fall asleep, but it did not prevent one thought from slipping through the barrier.

 

* * *

 

_1987 August 11 th_

“Dean, I’m going out. Make sure your brother gets his dinner before bed.” John’s voice was harsh and plain.

“Okay, I will. Be careful, daddy” Dean walked towards his father, but before he could wrap his arms around him, John was out of the door.

Dean felt two short arms wrap around his body. “I will hug you,” a little voice said. Dean smiled at Sammy. “Come on, let’s make you spaghetti-o’s for dinner,” Dean said, lifting his little brother up and sitting him down at the kitchen table.

After dinner, Dean tucked Sammy in, ignoring the usual question of where their daddy was.

“Go to sleep, Sammy.” Dean said while contemplating bouncing on the huge bed, he didn’t.

“Will you stay with me?” Sam’s small voice piped up.

Dean sighed, he was thinking about watching some TV while he was waiting for their dad to return, “yeah, okay”.

“Night, Deanie,” He said while he cuddled up to his big brother.

“Night, Sammy” Dean replied, smiling down at his little brother.

They both fell asleep on the bed. For the first time in months, Dean’s sleep was peaceful, at least, that was until an angry John Winchester came in.

“Dean, why are you asleep? You’re supposed to be watching over your brother.” His words slurred a little, which by now, Dean knew was never a good thing.

“I’m sorry, dad. But I was very tired” Dean tried, sounding small. He felt the guilt rush trough his belly, immediately looking over to see if Sammy was still okay. 

His father was about to yell a reply.

“Daddy?” a happy voice spoke from next to Dean.

He heard their father sigh, “Hey, Sam”. A long pause followed and it looked like John Winchester was trying to decide whether to settle on anger or regain calmness.

“Why don’t you two go back to sleep, I’m here now anyway.” With that he left the room, probably crashing on the couch.

 

* * *

 

_2008 May 3 rd_

Dean woke up to the rude sound of his alarm clock, it was currently 7 am. Sam was picking him up in 30 minutes, they were going to drive to the harbor together. It was about a three and a half hour drive to the Navy Pier in Michigan, which meant that the two of them would be stuck in a car for a long time. Which probably meant time to talk, Dean would try to postpone that conversation as long as possible.

He knew they would be arriving early, but that meant he had enough time to check in and gather up the courage he hadn’t found yet.

He got dressed in the outfit he and Jessica picked out for today. There had been a small argument, but in the end Jessica won and Dean ended up wearing a dark blue button down instead of his preferred flannel.

Breakfast was too heavy on his stomach, so he ended up throwing half of it in the trash can. Ten minutes till Sam would be there, Dean tried to calm down his nerves.

His suitcase and bag were waiting for him at the front door, staring at him from where he sat at the kitchen table. Dean made sure his phone was fully charged and that he took his medication. After that, he checked if they were actually in his bag, about three times now.

The bell rang at 7.30 am just leave it up to Sam to be exactly on time. Dean reluctantly opened the door, trading his nerves for a smile.

“You ready?” Sam asked with excitement as if they were both going.

“Yup, all packed and everything” Dean pointed towards the suitcase.  

“Great, let’s go then!” Sam grabbed Dean’s suitcase and headed towards the car.

It made Dean think back to his days with the impala, his baby was now gathering dust in the garage over at Sam’s garage. She wouldn’t be there forever, of course, Dean hoped he would be able to drive again once his medication dose was lowered.  

 The car ride was, to Dean’s surprise, mostly filled with music coming from the radio. Yet Dean knew Sam better than anyone, so he knew that a heartfelt conversation was inevitable. He’d accept the quiet for now, though. 

They parked Sam's car on the parking lot in front of a white building. Behind the white building, that was obviously the check-in center, was the harbor. A white, fancy looking ship was floating on the small waves of the Michigan Lake.

 “Wow, look at that thing, man. I would gladly switch places with you right now,” Sam said, looking up at the beautiful cruise ship. He pulled out his phone and took a picture of the ship, “I’m showing that to Jess”.

It wasn’t one of those giant cruise ships, like in the movies. Instead, it was more elegant, smaller than Dean had expected, that made him feel a little bit better. The side of the ship said “ _Pearl Mist”,_ Dean rolled his eyes at the cliché name of the ship.

As much as Dean wished Sam would switch places with him, he didn’t tell him. “No turning back now, Sammy. This beauty is all mine,” he pointed towards the ship.

“Yeah, you and the other 399 passengers” Sam laughed.

Dean smiled, but the thought of being stuck on a ship with 399 strangers made him feel quite uncomfortable.

Sam sensed it. “Dean, you probably won’t even notice them.” 

“Yeah, all right, let’s just go and check in,” Dean said while walking towards the white building.

The check-in center wasn't all that big. It had a simple waiting area, followed by a long hall with several booths.  

“Can I help you two?” A kind woman’s voice asked.

Dean looked in the direction of the sound. The woman was barely visible from behind the high counter. Her red hair was pinned back with a hairpiece Dean didn’t remember the name of, it reminded him of a bandana.

“Yeah, I’m here to check in for the Grande Caribe cruise,” Dean replied

“Just one? Are you not going together then? What a shame, let me just say that we accept all sorts of people. All races, religion, color or sexual orient-”

“What? No, we’re just brothers!” Sam answered quickly (and awkwardly).

She eyed them for a second, Dean could swear she was about to make another gay comment, but she didn't. 

She cleared her throat, "anyway, what's your last name?" 

Dean gave her the information and she provided him with his official ticket, followed by a short standard talk about boarding the ship and then she told them to move along to the waiting area.

Sam and Dean sat down in the waiting area, Sam looking really uncomfortable on the small plastic stool. In front of them was a long hallway that said 'baggage control’, Dean suddenly hoped they wouldn’t make a scene over his medication. He patted the prescription letter in his pocket, relieved to find that is was there.

“So are we going to talk about this, or are going to keep sabotaging me?” Sam asked suddenly.

 Well here goes nothing, Dean thought. “I don’t know what you mean, there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Dean, I just don’t want you to feel like this is a bad thing, you know. I know it must feel like we’re trying to force happiness onto you, but we really think this will be good for you.”

“As you keep reminding us all,” Dean sighed. “Look, I know you and Jess are convinced this will be good for me. Personally I think it’s gonna do Jack squat.”

“Well maybe you can find some peace there, you know,” Sam said, being the optimistic one, as always.

Dean squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds, he could literally feel Sam’s gaze burning into him.

“Please, just promise me that you’ll make an appointment with their psychologist at least once.”

It took Dean a very sarcastic eye roll to answer, “yes, I’ll make an appointment”.

_“Will all passengers of the Pearl Mist Cruise please report to the baggage control, please?”_

Thank God, Dean thought.

“Have fun, Dean. And call me if you need to, seriously.” Sam gave Dean a tight hug.

“Yeah, I will.” Dean didn’t have it in him anymore to be sarcastic. His heartbeat was fastening, but he was going to keep calm during this, he had to. So he gave Sam the best smile he could produce and joined a crowd of people to the baggage control, denying his want to look back over his shoulder.

After the baggage control, which basically existed out of controlling everyone’s passports and checking their bags for anything suspicious, they had to wait in another area.

Dean sat down on another one of those awful plastic seats. The area started to get more crowded and after 15 minutes, there was almost no personal space left. Great, this was off to an amazing start. Luckily enough at that moment the doors to the bridge, well the weird tunnel thing, opened. 

 

* * *

 

It took a while for everyone to get inside since everyone had to be handed their keys and after that, there was a basic information speech.

The cruise ship consisted out of 7 levels, 4 till 7 available for guests. Deck 4 and 5, as Dean had been told, were cabins. Deck 6 was for indoor activities, such as a small swimming pool, a spa and a gym (and probably a lot more things Dean couldn’t remember). Deck 7 had a bar, a cinema, and the rest of it was a part restaurant, part open deck. (Probably for those insane people who liked recreating the titanic)

After the never-ending speech, they were allowed to go their cabins. A long queue formed in front of the elevators, but even though his suitcase was pretty heavy, Dean was one hundred percent sure he was going to take the stairs.

The corridor he ended up in was pretty narrow, he had to remind himself to breathe steadily. The floor was a navy blue colored carpet and the wallpaper was a simple white, a few little pictures were up here and there.     

He searched his pockets for his key, the key was one of those weird cards you slide through some device to open your door. He looked at the room number on it, it said 301. Dean’s eyes scanned the doors and he was relieved to find that his room wasn’t too far away from the staircase.         

He took the keycard and, after several attempts, managed to open the door. He stepped inside the room, dragging his luggage behind him, and he couldn’t stop his lips from curling into a huge smile. It was definitely a huge improvement to the small corridor outside the room.

The room had a beige colored carpet, which joined beautifully with the white and wooden theme of the rest of the room. There was a white, soft looking double sized bed in the middle, the headboard resting against the right wall of the room.

In front of the bed stood a small table joined by a beige and simple looking couch. On the wall in front of the bed hung a small flat screen TV, underneath it was a small wooden shelf, supporting something that looked like a DVD player. The thing that Dean liked the most was the big oval window at the back of the room, Dean could see the waves of the lake. It made him feel less closed in like he could breathe.

He put his bag and suitcase near the bed and sat down on the little couch. He looked around for a clock. He found one on the wall, next to a framed picture of an old cruise ship. It was around 4 o’clock and even though Dean was pretty tired, he didn’t feel like taking a nap.

He looked at the small side table, noticing that there were a few things on top of it. The first thing was a bouquet of fake flowers in a light blue vase, next he noticed a map that contained standard information about the ship, like pointed out fire exits, a rules list and even a menu for room service. Last he noticed a stack of folders. He grabbed the folder that had a picture of the ship on it, it was a map of deck 6 and 7. Dean immediately noticed the word ‘bar’ on the top corner of the map, maybe this cruise wasn’t going to be that bad.

As he got up, a white envelope fell on the ground. Dean picked it up and opened the envelope, he noticed that his name was written in beautiful cursive letters.

_“Dean Winchester, room 301._

_It is our pleasure to welcome you aboard the ‘Pearl Mist’. To make sure you have a relaxing and carefree cruise, we are more than happy to provide you with this Spa voucher. Hand in this voucher in our Spa on deck 6, for a 20-minute full body massage._

_We hope you enjoy your stay!_

_Pearl Mist staff & crew”_

Even though Dean didn’t really care for letting strangers touch him, massages were supposed to be relaxing, right? And hell, maybe it would be like the movies and there would even be a hot lady involved.

He put the voucher back on the side table, he would use it sooner or later. But right now he was going to have a few drinks at the bar because that was something he knew he was comfortable with.

* * *

 

Dean opened the heavy doors and walked into the bar area. It was a simple setting, the room contained a few round tables joined by chairs, a black, leather couch and to the left stood a pool table. In the back of the area was the actual bar, it was a brown tiled bar with only 6 stools in front of it. The red carpet flowed into brown and black tiles at the bar, it gave the room a rusty look, but it worked.

A few guys were playing pool, but other than that, the only people in the room were Dean and the bartender who, as if on cue, walked out of the room through a back door.

Dean sat down on one of the stools, putting his feet up on the golden rail that was attached to the bar. He looked at all the colorful bottles, locked away behind see-through cabinets. There were all sorts of glasses hanging from racks on the ceiling, that wasn’t something you’d expect on a boat.

It reminded him of one of the bars back home, one of the bars he was banned from, ironically.

“Well, you look like you could use a drink.” A deep, friendly voice pulled Dean out of his thoughts.

He looked up, expecting to look into the face of an older man. Probably because of the rough, smoker sounding edge to his voice, but instead he faced a guy who couldn’t be much older than him. Dean’s eyebrows raised slightly. That wasn't something you came across every day.

The man’s dark hair looked a bit tousled, he had a rough stubble on his jaw but not enough to make him look unkempt. His face looked friendly, but his expression made him seem like he was waiting for something. Yet if Dean had to pick a most striking feature about his man, it would be his incredible blue eyes.  

It wasn’t until he heard the other man chuckle, that he realized he actually hadn’t answered yet. He could feel his cheeks heating up. Normally Dean would have accused him of making fun of him, but there was something about the bartender’s face that made him seem sincere. Dean had to admit, it was much better than earning concerned looks. Like he was used to getting from Sam and Jess every time Dean looked away for even a few seconds.

 “Anything strong?” The bartender asked, realizing he wasn’t getting an answer.

“Sorry,” Dean said apologetically. “Can’t, a beer is fine”, Dean damned his medication, because something strong was indeed what could use right now.

“Sure, no problem,” the bartender said, no questions asked.

“Thanks,” Dean said as he watched the bartender open a brandless bottle of beer. “So, you work on a cruise ship, huh?” Thanks, Captain obvious, Dean thought.

“Yeah,” the man’s lips curled into a smile. “Can you believe that they actually make us work? Instead of relax during the cruise” He let his elbows rest on the bar’s surface, leaning on them.

Dean chuckled, “Really? Guess they don’t put that in the folder?” 

“Must have been the small print,” the bartender smiled and his eyes squinted a little. He was distracted by the guys at the pool table, who were literally shouting for his attention.

Dean sipped his beer, meanwhile he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. It was a text message from Sam:

 _Hey, how’s the cruise so far?_  
I showed Jess the picture and now we’re both jealous.  
Enjoy the cruise, Dean, please.  
X Sam & Jess

Dean rolled his eyes at the little ‘please’, he typed a quick response saying he was fine and put his phone away. He just didn’t want to think about anything right now, just blank out his memories.

A few minutes later the bartender returned, Dean had tried to ignore the inviting look of the whiskey that was now being consumed by the hooligans that dared to call themselves passengers.

 “My name’s Castiel, by the way”

Again, the voice came unexpected and it took him a few seconds to respond. Once the incredibly blue eyes met his, he stuck out his hand.

“Dean,” he said as his hand collided with _Castiel’_ s hand over the bar. 

They got to talking, about anything really. They talked about past jobs, silly commercials, their favorite subjects in high school and they even had a small (yet passionate) contest for coming up with stupid names.

Eventually, the conversation turned back to the cruise ship.

“I also work a few extra jobs, for example, I host the dancing lessons on the ship.” Castiel's lips curled into that already familiar smile again, “I know, I know, but it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Must do well with the ladies,” Dean smirked.

The smile on his lips had something that captured Dean’s breath for a moment, but it could have been what he said next.

“That’s not really my area,” he was so calm. “I hope that doesn’t bother you,” his voice was still calm, but there was a shimmer of insecurity in his eyes.

Oh, _oh!_

“No, of course” his beer was set on making him cough apparently. “No, what, no that doesn’t bother me at all, it’s cool” way to go Dean. He tried really hard to ignore the tiny flutter that had made its way into his stomach, it was not really working, though.

The barman’s smile widened and Dean figured he must be trying not to laugh. It calmed Dean’s nerves a bit, even to a point where his lips curled into a smile. It was easy to smile around Castiel and forget about his anxiety, even though right now Castiel was the source of his anxiety.

The bartender seemed just as comfortable, “but it doesn’t do badly with men either, you know.” And then he winked, he _fucking_ winked.    

Dean felt his cheeks flush, he tried very hard to avoid eye contact. Dean had no idea if Castiel noticed that he was blushing, but he could hear a musical laughter.

 _“You’ve got to be kidding me, please tell me this is some sort of sick joke”_ the words played in his head like a worn-out tape recorder.

Nausea hit him like a brick wall, immediately Dean dug his nails into his hand _hard._ There was no way this was going to happen here, not right now. He tried to breathe through the familiar waves of panic, tried to focus on the nails, that were now painfully digging into his own skin. Breathing was the key, in and out, slowly and steady, in through the nose and out through his mouth.

“Are you all right?”

Dean realized the bartenders eyes were on him. Castiel had been nothing but kind to him, it was unfair to bother him with his stupid problems.

“Yeah, ‘m fine. Just got a really bad headache, that’s all.” He tried to give Castiel a genuine smile, praying that he wouldn’t question Dean’s answer. 

The look of concern he had seen so many times didn’t disappear from Castiel’s face. Or he accepted the answer or he decided not to pry, either way Dean was thankful for that.

“I think ’m gonna go lie down,” Dean said, his voice shaking a little bit. Damn this façade he had to keep up with other people around all the time.

“I hope you feel better, Dean” It was so genuine and almost normal-sounding, coming from Castiel.

“Thanks, see you around, Cas” Dean gave him a short wave and turned around. Realizing what he had just said, but being too tired to care.

The man’s eyebrows rose from behind the bar, well this had definitely been a new encounter.  

 

* * *

 

Once he was back in his room it was already 5.30 pm. He felt like changing into something a bit more comfortable because everything felt too suffocating around his body.

On the way here his breathing had calmed down, luckily he didn’t run into any other passengers. He preferred being alone in these situations, or in a place he was very familiar with.  

When Dean opened his suitcase, he was surprised to find a stack of books inside. No wonder his suitcase was so damn heavy. He remembered leaving Jessica to pack most of his suitcase, she must have put them in while he was in the bathroom.

Dean, while definitely not the biggest fan of books, was still touched by the gesture.

He changed into his sweatpants and a simple t-shirt, after that he went into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. It wasn’t a very big bathroom, but the space was well divided and gave him no sense of anxiety. He wondered if Sam had secretly requested an anxiety-proof room.  

He didn't care for going to the restaurant, the folder of room service was already on his nightstand. 

When he came back into the room he put the suitcase on the ground and grabbed the three books.

His eyes scanned the titles, not one seemed familiar to him. He plopped down on the bed, deciding what the hell, he might as well read them. He had been carrying them along this far, anyway.      

Two of the books turned out to be detectives, Dean was pretty sure they were brand new. The third book was different, it appeared to be read and the smell of new books didn’t cling to it. He looked at the back to find that it was a romance novel, Dean frowned at that.

 


	2. Ice cream & burning questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 2! Note that not everything is going to be very specific or right, I've never been on this cruise or in Michigan, sorry!
> 
> If you want to follow me on Tumblr: http://totallyxawesome.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thank you to Kim and Michelle for helping me with this chapter :)

_2008 May 4th_  
  
Castiel was cleaning up at the bar. It was almost 12.30 am, which meant that his shift was nearly done and he could (finally) go to bed.

Working as a bartender, there were few things that even surprised him anymore. Yet here he was, curious because of such a simple and civilized conversation.

This Dean had occupied his mind all evening. Maybe it was the fact that he had bolted out of the bar like he’d seen a ghost, but maybe it was just that he seemed kind, funny and handsome?

Castiel sighed as he realized he had been cleaning the same glass for about five minutes. So this was his life now, huh? His mind taken over by a guy he met once, not to mention at the bar.

Not that any of that mattered anyway, Dean was probably as straight as an arrow. But that shouldn’t prevent him from having a little fun, right?

* * *

  
  
_June 2002_  
  
“Where’s your brother?” John’s voice barked as he came into the room.  
  
“I-.. dad, he left,” Dean didn’t dare to look into his father’s eyes.

“What do you mean he left? Where the hell is he?” Irritation became anger when Dean handed him the note Sam had left.

Dean closed his eyes, ready for his dad to yell at him, tell him it was all his fault and that he should have paid better attention. But none of that happened. He opened his eyes, his dad was still standing there with pursed lips. His fist closed and then opened again, the crumbled note fell to the ground. And then without a word, his dad stomped out of the cabin.

Dean didn’t know what to do. He had no clue why Sammy would leave them, leave him. Feeling betrayed he picked up Sam’s note and folded it, he simply couldn’t throw it away.

Everybody always left Dean, but for some reason he thought Sam would never do that to him.

“Guess I was wrong..”      

* * *

  
_2008 May 4th_

Waking up to the beams of sunshine lightening up the room was definitely an improvement to his regular schedule. Normally he would either wake up to the annoying sound of his alarm clock or to Sam, who would literally drag him out of bed if it was passed 12 pm.

Dean stretched his body, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He checked the clock; it was only 8.30 am, which meant he woke up early. Dean remembered that breakfast was served from 7 am – 10 am, so there was still plenty of time to get dressed.

He got up and looked in his bag for his medication, chugging them down with water from one of the fancy water bottles stationed in his room.

After a hot shower and getting dressed, Dean’s stomach let him know it was definitely time for breakfast. So this was it then, day 2 of the cruise was about to begin.  

* * *

 

Breakfast was pretty awesome as there were a lot of food choices. Dean nearly Mount Everest’ed his plate with food and sat down at one of the small tables next to a big, round window. The small waves of the lake were very calming and maybe, just maybe, this cruise was relaxing him.

When Dean looked around he saw that it was getting busy, there were a lot of families, couples and some elderly people. Dean wondered if he was the only one who came alone, but it couldn’t bother him.   

After breakfast, Dean went back to his room, looking for this day’s schedule. He looked towards the small pile of booklets on the table. Wondering if there was a schedule booklet, he found it halfway through the pile. They would be harboring in Manistee, Michigan at 11 am. The schedule also pointed out something Dean frowned at: ‘scheduled wine tasting at 4.30 pm ( _pre-booked only_ )’.

It clearly stated that is was only for people who had either booked this extra or got a full package voucher. Dean had no idea if Sam had gotten him either of those or if he even wanted to.

But he still felt bad about Sam and Jess spending money on him already, let alone if he would stay in his room all day and ignore the extras. He might not be able to drink a lot of alcohol, but maybe watching others get drunk could be somewhat fun.

So that was why he was currently standing at the service desk, waiting for someone to help him out.

After about 5 minutes, a young woman appeared from a room behind the desk. She was actually quite attractive, her brown hair was being twisted around her fingers, something Dean had seen women do, usually before they ended up in bed together.  
  
“Can I help you with something?” she winked at the end of her question.

Dean played his best smile, “I bet you can, just need some information.” He looked into her eyes and he could see the interest in hers. Somewhere Dean realized that her wink didn’t freak him out like it had yesterday with Castiel.

“Well you can always ask for my phone number,” she said playfully.

Dean mentally rolled his eyes at how easy this was. “Actually I’m just looking to see if I have any vouchers on my name. But maybe next time.”

Her face faltered a little before returning to her seductive smile. “Oh, well what’s your name, honey?”

“Winchester,” Dean heard her long fingernails on the keyboard of the computer.

“It says here you’ve got the full package, but I already noticed that.”

If he had run into her 2 years ago, probably drunk off his ass, he would have slept with her right away. But there was just something about her being too easy, there was no challenge, no excitement. And since his medicine mostly filled that part in his life, he didn’t need her.  
  
“Yeah, thanks.”  
  
“Have a great day, Mr. Winchester!” She said, somehow still extremely flirty.

* * *

 

He sent a quick text to Sam, letting him know everything was going fine and that they were about to arrive in Manistee. He shoved his wallet into his pocket and put his sunglasses on the top of his head. This better be a damn good day.   

 

* * *

  
Dean followed the group off the ship, the entire atmosphere screamed excited. There were a few different tourist groups, mostly depending on the language the group spoke.  
  
There was a short information speech before everyone went off into town. A big part of the group stuck together, as they were offered a tour. But Dean decided that he liked checking out the town on his own better. Some families chose to go alone as well, as long as they were back at the docks by 4 pm for the wine tasting or to get back onto the ship.  
  
It was actually a really nice day, the sun shining, but a breeze coming from the harbor made the heat bearable. 

The first thing that Dean noticed about Manistee was the everyday life that hung in the air. The streets weren’t busy, but the docks neither empty.

There were a few shops that appeared open, a tourist information point, an ice cream parlor and a small jewelry shop.

He decided that going into the tourist shop was a good idea, since he would probably need a map of the city. That was the only downside to not tagging along with the tour, finding everything yourself.

He ended up buying two maps, one of the city and one of the vineyards. His hand had hovered above a disposable camera, remembering that the only camera he brought was the one on his phone.

The woman behind the counter was friendly, guiding him through the city’s map and reminded him to get the photos printed afterward.

He left the shop with a good feeling, the sun greeted his skin and maybe this day wouldn’t be all bad.  
  
Around 1.30 pm, it became clear that wearing a flannel shirt was way too hot. The warmth was tiring and it was making Dean thirsty. He stopped at a place called ‘Grill & Pub’, upon entering he noticed it wasn’t very busy. He sat down at a small wooden table and let his eyes roam the place.

It wasn’t a very large pub, but the compactness of it was reassuring. There was a bar, a few wooden tables accompanied by little benches and behind the bar stood a big TV with football banners taped onto the wall around it.

His stomach growled and he looked down at the menu. He was pleasantly surprised to find his favorite dish on the menu; a double bacon cheeseburger with French fries on the side.

A man came over to his table, “How can I help you today?” He appeared to be in his late 30’s.  
  
“I think I’ll go for the double bacon cheeseburger, thanks.”

The man wrote his order down on a little note block. “Anything else I can get you? A cold beer on this hot day maybe?”  
  
Dean huffed out a laugh, “Ah, no thanks. A coke will be fine.” He gave the waiter a small smile, not meaning to offend him. Because his annoyance was directed towards his medication, if only they didn’t prevent him from having a nice beer now and going to the wine tasting later.     

“Coming right up,” the man didn’t seem to take notice of Dean’s annoyance. He just smiled back and walked towards the kitchen.

The cheeseburger ended up being in his top 3. It was delicious and juicy, but most importantly; it was big enough for Dean to feel full afterward.

He licked his lips and downed the last sip of his coke. Man, this town was awesome.

He paid for his meal and the man, who turned out to be the owner, thanked him gratefully for the big tip Dean left.

With a fresh feeling from the air-conditioning inside and a full stomach, he headed back into town.

It was 2.30 pm by now, which meant that he still had about 1,5 hours to kill before he had to be back and join the tour.    

He walked through the streets, passing a few more open shops. Most of them had something to do with art or history, a few were just simple clothes and food shops.  
  
When he got back to the port, there were buses waiting for those who were going to the vineyards.    

* * *

 

The bus ride was a 20-minute drive, consisting out of a pre-recorded information tape about Manistee. The views were pretty and the information was probably very interesting, but Dean didn’t hear much of it.      
  
That was because the drive there was overall horrible. It was the nausea that struck him first, followed by the all too familiar dizziness, it was so easy to get lost in. He glued his eyes to the road while desperately trying to control his breathing.  
  
Because today had gone so smooth, he had almost forgotten the effect that cramped spaces, packed with people, had on him. His heart beat was fast, but it was more under control than last night. As long as he stuck to watching the road and ignoring everyone else he should be fine. It was an art of practice after all.  
  
He was extremely relieved when the bus stopped, he was one of the first people to get off. He let the fresh air fill his lungs, taking deep and more relaxed breaths.

He made sure not to stand too close to the others and his anxiety was slowly fading away. Well, that was until a familiar head of tousled hair appeared out of nowhere.  
  
Dean had just been looking towards the growing group of people at the meeting point, wondering when their guide was going to arrive. But apparently fate was out on tainting him today because Cas his clothing made it obvious that he was not joining them for fun.  
  
He was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘Great Lakes Cruise’ and he carried a clipboard, probably containing a list of names.

When Dean squinted his eyes, he could see a little pin on his shirt that said ‘tour guide’.

Great, the only guy he was trying to avoid, _on a cruise ship with 400 people_ , was now his tour guide for the following hours. But even though his anxiety immediately came lurking, he was somewhere thankful to see a familiar face.

Before he could even decide if he wanted to ignore him out of embarrassment for last night or say hi, the tousled head turned around.   
  
He could see Castiel’s lips turn into a smile when he looked Dean’s way, he gave Castiel a small (awkward) wave. Which lead to something that made Dean wish he hadn’t, Castiel came walking towards him.  
  
“Dean,” he smiled, giving him a little nod.  
  
“So, Cas, you’re the tour guide for wine tasting?” Dean tried to make it sound casual.  
  
The other man’s face lit up in a smile again, “Told you I work multiple jobs.” Somehow the atmosphere got instantly lighter.

And it had Dean smiling back. “Maybe you’re just an alcoholic in disguise, misleading poor people into your trickery” he teased.  
  
Castiel laughed, and Dean, even though his mind was heavily denying it, liked being the reason why.

“Yeah, you got me. But don’t tell my manager, she might go after the job.”  
  
This time, it was Dean’s turn to laugh, but he could not meet Castiel’s eyes. It felt like they were almost forcing him to look at them, but Dean knew his anxiety wasn’t up to that again.

It was either good timing, or Castiel had noticed the changing atmosphere, but he turned towards the group.

“Okay so there’s about 60 of us, so we’ll split up into two groups. The first part of the group will come with me and the other half will go with Balthazar. We will switch up between the wine tasting and a tour of the vineyards.”

Balthazar, who Dean had never seen before, pulled out a list. “So if you could all check what group you’re in, that would be great.”

His English accent was fairly obvious, it made Dean wonder what he did on a cruise ship here in Michigan.

Dean saw Balthazar coming over to Castiel, whispering something in his ear. He watched Castiel roll his eyes while softly shoving his elbow into Balthazar’s side. Balthazar looked somewhat older than Castiel, his blonde hair was also tousled but shorter, his face had visible lines underneath his scruff. But instead of the kindness on Cas his face, it seemed that he was wearing a constant smirk.  
  
Castiel seemed comfortable in the presence of this Balthazar, though. It made him wonder if the other guy was his boyfriend, but he quickly pushed that thought away.

It turned out that he was in the first group, which obviously meant he would be joining Castiel. Hopefully, this wasn’t going to be as awkward as Dean’s anxiety was making it look. But behind his anxiety lay curiosity. After their conversation last night there were a lot of questions he didn’t dare to ask.       

* * *

  
_Douglas Valley Vineyards_  
  
The walk through the vineyard was just as beautiful as Castiel remembered. The 5 pm sun lighting up and revealing the beautiful different colors of the landscape. The trees in the distance were a relaxing factor, making it feel like they were completely surrounded by nature.

He was walking in front of the group, and everyone was chatting away, but beside him Dean was quiet. He wondered if Dean felt awkward, because of last night. Castiel still had no clue what had happened last night, but he didn’t really care. He just wanted to pick up where they, well Dean, left off.  
  
Even though Dean wasn’t saying anything or even looking at him, Castiel could feel the questions beaming from him, but to his surprise, Dean kept quiet. There was one time where it actually seemed like he would, but then he closed his mouth again and away went the questions it held.

When he wasn’t stating facts about vineyards to the group, he was wondering how to break the silence. After about 30 minutes, he settled for a way too standard, but plausible question.

“So, how was the town?”  
  
Dean seemed surprised by his question, but he gathered himself quickly. “It was pretty great, you know, fun shops, nice people, _good_ cheeseburgers.”

“Yeah, the food around here is amazing. Have you tried the ice cream here yet?” Castiel said, really just trying to keep the conversation going. But it seemed to work, Dean was already acting less defensive.

“No, is it any good?”  
  
“The best.”  

“Oh, well, maybe I’ll check it out another time.”

The conversation already seemed to be over, so he tried one more time.

“So, what brings you to this cruise?”

The question seemed to startle Dean, not really what Castiel was going for. He wondered if he should ask something else or just accept the silence, but then Dean answered.

“It was a birthday gift,” he shrugged. “I guess my brother and his girlfriend wanted to waste their money on me.” He laughed, but it was clear that he didn’t like the idea.

But Castiel would rather avoid serious questions right now, so he settled for something basic (again).

“Oh, you have a brother? What’s his name?”

This time a genuine smile appeared on Dean’s face, “Sam, well I call him Sammy, but he tells me off because he’s ‘not 5 anymore’.” He said, mocking his brothers voice.

“But he will always be the younger brother, so he has no chance.” Dean let out a small laugh.

It turned out that asking Dean about his brother was a good way to get Dean to talk. Castiel learned that Sam was smart, that he was studying to become a lawyer, he had a girlfriend named Jess and that he apparently had a great love for dogs. It was clear that Dean cared a lot about his brother, just the way he spoke about Sam made Cas like him already.

* * *

 

They had actually walked a full circle, through the vineyards and back to the tasting house. The other group was sat outside, laughing and some clearly a bit tipsy from the wine.

Dean wished that the wine tasting wouldn’t be too much alcohol for his medication. But he had finally agreed with his doctor that one or two beers couldn’t hurt, after lots of arguments and reasoning. As long as he stayed true to that amount of alcohol, his system could handle it.

There was, of course, the option of spitting out every sip of wine, but would it make Cas suspicious? Plus Dean didn’t want to be one of those fancy pricks, who spat their wine in a bucket.

He had told Cas that he wasn’t allowed to drink anything strong, yesterday, well sort of. Maybe he could refuse some of the wine secretly? Or maybe he could pretend to drink the wine, simply explaining it as not liking the taste?

Being lost in thoughts, he once again, had no clue Castiel was talking to him.

“Dean, are you coming?” Castiel asked, waiting patiently, apparently only on him. The rest of the group was already on their way towards the tasting house and the group of Balthazar had already gone into the vineyards.

* * *

 

The wine tasting turned out to be less stressful than Dean’s anxiety imagined. There were several bottles of cider and there were little cards, explaining what the bottle contained and how it was made. There was no pressure to taste all the different ciders, nor a silent room where everyone was paying attention to one another.

It was just a group of people having fun, nobody was afraid to talk to strangers and there was laughter coming from every direction.

For a while, Dean just sat there, enjoying the atmosphere. He read some of the wine cards and was surprised to see that some of them were indeed wines, other apple cider and some were even made with cherries.

Someone came in to announce that they were serving a few bites and that put Dean in an even better mood. After he was gone, some people switched places and Castiel ended up sitting down next to him.   

Dean smiled at him, because how could he not? The entire room was affecting Dean’s mood. Cas smiled back and for a few seconds their eyes met, giving Dean a nervous feeling. Luckily the food arrived after that moment and they had something to talk about.

There were grapes, different cheeses, crackers, sandwiches and to top it all off, a homemade apple pie stood underneath a glass container. The food was definitely more interesting than the wine, well at least Dean thought so.  
  
“You should really try some of this Camembert!” Cas said excitedly while the cracker with the weird cheese had already made it halfway into his mouth. 

Dean chuckled at the flying bits of cracker coming from Cas his mouth as he told him: “’s so good”.  
  
It was Castiel’s turn to laugh when Dean tried the so called Camembert, his face grimacing at the taste. 

He was less excited to taste all the other cheeses Castiel was pointing to, but it turned out that he actually quite liked the ‘brie’ and something called ‘chaume’.

“How do you even know all these weird cheeses anyway?” Dean asked curiously after Castiel pronounced one of them way different than he would have.

Castiel’s face turned into a soft smile as if he remembered something very precious. “My brother lives in France, actually. When I’m not working here, I usually visit him and I guess I got involved in the French life.”

“France, huh? Well, that’s awesome” Dean imagined Cas with a beret on the top of his head, underneath the Eiffel tower and silently wondered if that was too stereotypical.    

“France is very pretty. He used to live in the country, but now he stays in Paris because it’s closer to his work.”

This time Dean asked a lot about Castiel’s brother, he learned that his name was Gabriel and that Castiel was the younger brother. He also learned that Gabriel was running a successful (and expensive) restaurant in Paris.

“What about your parents? Do they live in France?”

“No, they live in New York. My dad is a successful businessman.”

“Don’t they miss him? Or you?”

Cas chuckled, “Not really, no”

There was no reason for Dean to pry, so he didn’t. He knew that it could be extremely annoying, some people just assumed it’s totally comfortable to share your flaws and mistakes with everyone.

“Man, I’m excited to eat that apple pie,” Dean said, pointing at the pie.

“It sounds like you’re planning to eat the whole thing,” Cas laughed.

Dean shrugged, “What can I say, I like my pie.”.

The rest of the wine tasting was filled with light conversations and eating until they were both extremely full. The grapes were delicious, and where Cas preferred the smoked salmon sandwiches, Dean preferred the chicken ones. When it was time for the apple pie, Castiel gave up halfway through his piece, but Dean had no problem finishing both of their apple pies.

* * *

 

When everyone was done eating, they were offered one more glass of wine or cider. The doors to the porch were opened and slowly everybody went outside.

The sun was setting behind the trees, filling the sky with a beautiful orange glow. Everyone was sat on the porch, chatting happily to each other and some of them giggling from the wine.

Dean walked over to the empty chair beside Castiel, preparing himself for what he was about to do. He didn’t even know why he was going to do this. Was it the drunken atmosphere? Was it the way Cas seemed so calm and honest to him?

“Hey, can I ask something?” Dean said it before he realized, well no turning back now. He sat down on the plastic chair, trying to keep his face neutral and his eyes focused on the sunset.

“Of course, what is it, Dean?” Castiel replied calmly, he didn’t even sound concerned.

“Did-“ Dean had to pause himself for a minute. This was much harder than he anticipated, but patient blue eyes were looking at him, telling him that it was okay.

“When you told people, you know, was there anyone, not cool with it?” Dean had no idea if he had said that loud enough, but he didn’t have to courage to repeat himself.

But a small smile appeared on Castiel’s lips though it was nothing like the joyful ones Dean had seen before.

“Yes,” Castiel said and Dean felt himself holding his breath. “To be honest, a lot of people weren’t, as you put it, cool with it.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean’s conscious must have used the ‘stupid things Dean Winchester says’ file because he knew how stupid “I’m sorry” sounded. He was probably one of the people who knew that very well.

He could feel Castiel’s eyes staring at him, but he kept his focused on the orange colors. Afraid of the questions that Castiel was possibly going to ask, but he didn’t.

“Eventually most of them got over it, though, others just left, or I left.” Castiel stated, and Dean was relieved he didn’t have to speak at the moment.

Dean had a dreadful feeling that this had some connection to his family not missing him and his brother. 

“It was not a nice time for me, but life goes on and so I decided to accept mine.” Castiel was still looking at him and Dean could not stop his eyes from looking back.

When their eyes met, he could read the emotion in Castiel’s and he wondered what Cas saw in his.

“Is that why your brother doesn’t live closer to you and your parents?” Dean wondered, not meaning to ask the question out loud. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“No, it’s okay.” Castiel sighed, “Gabriel actually took me to France once he turned 18. He was the only one who stood up for me in that time. We stayed with his friends until we could afford our own place, but it was nice you know? I had a fresh start there, I could make new friends and get away from our parents.”

Dean felt immediate respect for Gabriel, he seemed like the older brother Dean once was for Sam.

“But it didn’t work out really well, I was only 14 so I had to go to school but, of course, I didn’t speak French. I ended up staying at my aunt’s house in Michigan until I was 19, that’s when I went back to live with Gabriel.”

“He sounds like a really good brother,” Dean nodded.

“He is,” Castiel gave him a small smile.

They were interrupted by Balthazar and the rest of the group, who were coming back from the vineyards.

“Cassie!” Balthazar came towards them.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Castiel rolled his eyes at his friend.

“Now who is this handsome man?” He asked Castiel, “are you trying to get laid on the 2nd day already?”

Both Castiel and Dean turned red and Castiel shot Balthazar a ‘shut up’ glance.

“Oh, touchy” Balthazar laughed.

“Balthazar,” Castiel warned, afraid Dean might take off again.

“I’m Dean” he held out his hand. “And don’t worry, I won’t touch your boyfriend.”

“Balthazar is _not_ my boyfriend,” Castiel quickly said as he saw that Balthazar was ready to comment back.

 “Looks like we’re having a little competition then, Dean.” Balthazar winked and he was just in time to avoid Castiel’s fist.

“Seriously, I’m never taking you anywhere again” Castiel looked at his friend.

Dean was caught between feeling extremely awkward and laughing because Castiel looked just as flustered and awkward as he felt. He laughed when Balthazar made another comment to make Cas uncomfortable, but quickly stopped when he too, got a death glare from Cas.

“It was nice to meet you, Dean,” Balthazar said as he walked back to the bus.

“I’m sorry, I have to go with him.” Castiel smiled apologetically, “I’ll see you when we get off the bus”

“Okay, good luck with the English guy” he laughed as Castiel rolled his eyes. 

* * *

 

During the bus ride, Dean couldn’t help but feel guilty about asking all those questions earlier. There had to be something he could do, something to make sure it wouldn’t be awkward if he ever ran into him again.  
  
They stepped off the bus, getting on their way back to the ship when it hit him. He looked for Cas and grabbed his sleeve, pulling him to the side, stepping away from the group.   
  
“Dean, what are you-?”  
  
“Shut up,” - Dean hushed him, but he had to chuckle at Castiel’s confused expression. 

When the group had past them, Castiel was still looking at him in confusion.

“Come on,” Dean walked off in the opposite direction of the ship.  
  
“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see, now stop acting like I’m kidnapping you.”

“Aren’t you?” Castiel asked.

Dean stopped for a moment to give Cas an eye roll but continued to walk before he could see the reaction. It wasn’t too far from the port. If Dean remembered correctly it would only take them about 10 minutes to get there. In the back of his mind, he worried about getting back on the ship, but they wouldn’t leave without their staff or a passenger, right?

“Okay now close your eyes,” Dean said as they were almost there.

“You can’t seriously be that cliché?” Cas looked at him in suspicion.

Dean tried not to blush at the comment because this was indeed beginning to look extremely cliché. Even though he hadn’t known Castiel for long, he knew him well enough to know that this would cheer him up.       

“Would you just stop acting like a baby and just close your eyes?”

“Fine, but I’d better still have all my intestines after this.” He crossed his arms.

Dean laughed and grabbed Cas his shoulders, leading him towards their destination. It was only a two-minute walk from here, but Dean knew Cas would recognize where they were going. The walk went pretty smooth, apart from ‘accidentally’ leading Cas into a mailbox, which had led to a full minute discussion, because Cas wouldn’t close his eyes again and let Dean guide him. Eventually, he gave in and Dean had to make a little detour to confuse Cas as to where they were headed.

When they got into the little street Dean turned Cas around so that he was facing the shop.

“Now open your eyes,” Dean said, smiling wide.

Castiel carefully opened his eyes, earning another eye roll from Dean. But when his eyes roamed over the name of the little shop his lips turned into a big smile.

_‘Vincent’s Ice cream shop’_

“You’re actually listening to my advice?” Castiel asked in faked surprise.

“Ha-ha, now get inside or you’ll have to get your own ice cream,” Dean said while opening the door to the ice cream shop. Somewhere in his mind he was glad the shop was still open.  
  
The ice cream shop wasn’t very big, just like all the other shops in town. A few round, red colored tables were accompanied by same colored chairs and the floor existed out of typical white and black tiles.     
  
They were greeted by an older woman, “What can I get you, sweethearts?”     

“Well, you said you know what’s good,” Dean said, making him pick something first.

“The ice cream itself is good, Dean.” Castiel looked confused for a split second, before facing all the different ice creams. “I’ll have a cone with one scoop of mocha and one scoop of pistachio, thank you.”

To say that there were too many flavors of ice cream was an understatement. Not to mention that all of them managed to have different colors. He was way over thinking this, just pick what looks good, damnit.

He looked at the little description tags, “uhh, I’ll have one chocolate scoop and one strawberry cheesecake.” Dean said awkwardly.

“That will be 6 dollars, please,” The lady said while handing them their ice cream.

Before Cas could even think about reaching for his money, Dean had already shoved his ice cream into Castiel’s free hand.

After Dean paid, they walked back outside and Cas hands him back the ice cream cone.  

“You didn’t have to pay for me,” Castiel commented.

“No, it’s okay. It was my fault that I was asking all those stupid questions before.” He admits while tasting the ice cream.

“You feel guilty about that?” Castiel looks confused again, but not in any way mad or annoyed.

“You were right, this ice cream is amazing.” Dean exclaims, he was never good at this kind of things.

But Castiel smiled again and it made Dean smile too because there was something that he wasn’t failing at. The reason he brought Cas here in the first place, to make him smile.

“I told you it was really good,” he said, while once again already halfway through swallowing it.      

 “Pistachio, though? Isn’t that like a chick thing?” Dean chuckled.

“Says the one who got strawberry cheesecake,” Cas fired back.

“Touché,” Dean laughed. “I really like it, though. I must be getting in touch with my feminine side.” It was easy to make jokes like this around Cas, he didn’t make fun of him for it.

“How perfectly manly of you,” Castiel laughed too. “Can I try some?”

The question was so simple, but the way Castiel’s eyes burned into his made it so different.

“Sure,” he handed him the ice cream. Ignoring his fastening heart beat, but Cas didn’t look away and so Dean didn’t either. And while this had him running away the other night, this time it kept him right in place.

He watched as Castiel’s tongue licks around the ice cream, blinking as he tasted the ice cream.

It wasn’t until Cas said: “hmm, you’re right, that is good.” that Dean looked away. His mouth felt dry and he couldn’t stop himself from clearing his throat. He didn’t notice the little, smug smile on Castiel’s face.

When Castiel hands Dean his cone back, he doesn’t look at him again. But Castiel didn’t seem to notice, he was still smiling.

“So, are you excited for tomorrow?” Cas sounded happy. 

The walk back to the ship was filled with more small talk and chuckling, but there was no more eye contact.    

* * *

 

When they arrived at the ship they were eyed by one of Castiel’s co-workers, but they got on the ship without too much drama.

They stopped walking once they reached the staircases, knowing that they were both on a different deck.

Dean  smiled, “I had fun today, Cas. Thank you.”

“Me too, and thank you for the delicious ice cream.” He smiled back.

“Well you were the one who recommended it, so, yeah”

Castiel smiled, “Goodnight, Dean”.    

His whole plan to not get lost in Castiel’s eyes just fell overboard. Because as Castiel smiled, their eyes met and Dean felt his breath caught in his throat.

“Goodnight, Cas”.

He didn’t look back as he walked back to his room, trying to keep his breathing steady. 

* * *

 

Cas opened the door to his room, finding his way to the bed in the dark. He flopped down on his stomach, groaning at how tired he already was.

After 5 minutes of silence and darkness, he kicked off his shoes and flipped on the switch of the little light next to the bed. Today had gone better than Castiel thought it would, and by that he meant this day turned out to be a fun day with Dean. 

When Dean stormed out off the bar last night, Castiel had no idea if he would ever get to talk to him again. Yet there was something about Dean that made him interesting, was it totally cliché to say mysterious?

With heavy limbs he started changing into his pajamas, took out his contact lenses and brushed his teeth. He felt his entire body unwind once he stepped into bed, snuggling into the comfortable sheets.

He looked around his room before turning off the light, most of his belongings were still in his suitcase. A few books were scattered around the room, some on his desks, some on the little dresser and his favorite lay next to his bed.

There were only a few pictures he took with him, one of him and Balthazar, whom he had met last year on this cruise and it was safe to say that they had been best friends ever since. One of him and his older brother, Gabriel, who currently lived in Paris, and the third one was a family portrait. It wasn’t a recent picture though, it was one of many years ago, of a 4 year old smiling Castiel, sitting on his mom’s lap while an 8-year-old Gabriel stuck out his tongue, their fathers hand was on the shoulder of their oldest brother, Michael, who was only 9 in this picture.   

Castiel turned onto his side and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

 

Once he was back in his room, he felt a little bit better. He took a quick shower to relax, brushed his teeth and changed into more comfortable clothes.

Tomorrow they were going to Mackinac Island, Dean wondered if there were going to be more tours. But maybe it was better for his anxiety if there weren’t, or well if Cas wasn’t there.

It wasn’t specifically Castiel he was anxious about, it was the connection between them that made Dean want to run and never look back.

Because he didn’t feel completely tired yet, he took one of the books out of his suitcase. It was the one Jess always talked about, but there was no one here to judge him, so he opened the book and started reading.           

 


	3. Bingo & Indiana Jones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter 3, it's day 3 and 4. I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but I finally managed to finish it. 
> 
> Special thanks to Veena for helping me with this chapter and to Emmely for pushing me to write. ♥

_2008, May 5th_

The day began like the one before. He woke up to the beams of sunlight, took his medication, followed by a hot shower and then went for breakfast.

He started to recognize some of the people on the ship. There was a family of five, who seemed too stressed to be on a cruise. A couple who would occasionally laugh and then look at each other as if they found heaven, a man who seemed to be physically attached to his phone and a group of elderly people who would stick together.

It was nice to see that Dean wasn’t the only one who came alone though. There were a few others who sat by themselves, he briefly wondered if they were here for similar reasons.

* * *

  
The day would be dedicated to visiting the Mackinac Island.

They had a few hours of free time, a tour around the island and a high tea to finish the visit according to the folder. Dean frowned at the high tea, he remembered laughing at Sam because he went to a high tea with Jess once. However when Sam told him about all the different pastries, Dean had admitted that that was pretty awesome.

He was looking forward to today, but there was a nagging thought in the back of his mind. The thought that Castiel might be the tour guide of today, and it was making him nervous.

A part of him hoped to see Cas again, but, for the most part, he was still trying to avoid him.  

* * *

  
Dean jumped when a firm hand landed on his shoulder, followed by laughter.

“Dean,” the voice belonging to the hand said, clearly amused.

“Balthazar,” Dean batted the other guy’s hand off his shoulder.

“Just thought I’d stop by to say hello,” his English accent explained.

Dean looked at him for a second, narrowing his eyes just a little bit. His eye caught sight of the tour guide badge, it was attached to the same t-shirt Cas had been wearing the other day.

His heart made a small jump. “So, is Cas here too?” Dean asked casually.

“No,” he stretched the word, “but I’m sure our friend will be around.” He paused. “Unless, he’s not your friend...” a sly smile appeared on his face.

“You…-” Dean pursed his lips. “Shut your mouth!” He tried his hardest not to blush, why was Balthazar always intruding so much.

The English man laughed but didn’t proceed on the subject. Wise decision, Dean thought.    
  
“So what do you think of the island so far, Dean-o?”

Dean raised his eyebrows at the nickname but decided to let it slide because he was not up for any more of Balthazar’s remarks.  “It’s nice I guess, pretty excited for the food, though.”

“Ah, of course” Balthazar smiled.  
  
They viewed a few more places on the island. There were two things that really got Dean’s attention, Fort Mackinac and the Arch rock.

According to Balthazar, there were no cars allowed on the island. They got to the high tea by horse and carriage, a unique way of traveling, yet he preferred it to smelly and crowded buses.

The high tea was everything Dean could have imagined; small pies, cakes, cookies, small sandwiches and a lot of chocolate. He didn’t care much for the tea part, but he couldn’t complain because every bitter taste was washed away with delicious apple pie.   

During the last hour of the high tea, he met a really nice couple, Benny, and Maria. They told him that they were on this cruise because they wanted to find out if they could move in together. Dean laughed at that, but there was also something sweet about it.

Dean spent the rest of the high tea talking to Benny while Maria had joined an all girls table. It was really great to talk to someone who shared the same interests. They talked about cars, football and even ended up on the topic of women. It was almost as if Castiel had just been a dream, a weird and distant dream, because when he talked to Benny he felt like himself again. The Dean he wasn’t afraid to let people know, the Dean he was before everything happened…  
  
The evening ended with interesting stories about the island, Dean was surprised by how good of a storyteller Balthazar was. But maybe it was just because he wasn’t used to him being serious about, well, anything.

He briefly wondered what Cas was doing, maybe he was working at the bar again? He wasn’t sure if he was relieved that he wasn’t here, or if he wanted his friend to enjoy this too. Because talking to Benny had really cleared his mind, it was okay to enjoy hanging out with another dude, it didn’t have to mean anything.

Later that night Dean found himself reading Jess’ favorite book again, it was actually pretty interesting. God, this cruise was completely ruining his personality.

He typed a quick text to Sam, informing his brother on the day he had. He smiled at the response, Sam was happy for him. He knew Sam felt relieved since Dean had been so opposed to the idea of this cruise.

Well maybe this cruise was good for him, he definitely felt more relaxed. The only bad thing about it had been his friendship with Cas, but now that might not even be a problem anymore. But he’d figure that out later, for now he would just enjoy the cruise and the new friendships he made.

* * *

  
2008, May 6th

Mornings had never been Dean’s thing, but there was something about this cruise that made him hate them less. Waking up was gentle, the showers hot, breakfast delicious and while the people were friendly, they didn’t intrude.

According to the schedule Dean now kept next to his bed, there would be no city visit today. The folder described it as ‘a full day of cruising’.  

So since today was kind of a day off, he decided to do the right thing, or at least what would make Sam and Jess happy. Therefore, he had made an appointment with the on board psychologist. What made it worse was that he actually referred to himself as ‘life coach’, but Dean knew that still meant brainwashing, psychologist.

Because in the past two years Dean had seen more ‘life coaches’ and doctors than he could possibly count. Not to mention all the late night conversations with Sam and Jess, or worried calls from close friends. As much as he wanted to hate it, hate them, he couldn’t. Because if it wasn’t for them, he would probably be long dead.

His life got to a point where all Dean could do was drink. Beer had replaced water and pm was no different from am. The only thrill would come from a bar fight, or sometimes a hot chick.

But in the end it all came down to feeling nothing. Not even the whiskey seemed to burn his throat, and no woman’s touch would be satisfying enough.

* * *

  
2006, April 14th

A strong fist collided with Dean’s face, followed by the sound of Dean’s beer glass shattering on the ground. He cursed, but there was no time to react before the second punch doubled him over.

This time he stood up straight as fast as he could, looking at the person opposite of him. He recognized the man vaguely, but his blurred vision wasn’t helping him with trying to remember who his opponent was.

Well whoever he was, he obviously wanted to fight. And while Dean was definitely drunk of his ass, he was still a good fighter.

“So what did I do, huh? Steal your girlfriend? Or maybe, maybe it was your wife?” Dean slurred.

To Dean’s surprise the man started laughing, for a moment his defense fell.

“What? You don’t think I could give your girlfriend the best night of her life? I bet she’d scream my name all night.”

Another punch hit him, Dean’s balance failed him and he fell to the ground.

“Actually,” the stranger walked closer, “I just really hate fags”.

Dean’s heart skipped a beat, he felt furious. Everything became dark before his eyes and he launched his entire body into the other man.

* * *

  
2008, May 6th

The long hallway echoed with Dean’s footsteps. He took a deep breath and brought his hand up to knock on the door, his nerves growing worse.  
  
_Knock knock knock._

“Come in,” a male voice answered.  
  
He opened the door, slowly, stretching the moment, as if it would make a difference.

The office was small, it fit a desk, two round chairs, and a small wooden bookcase. An older man was sitting behind the desk, which was pushed against the right wall of the room. He appeared to be reading but looked up when Dean closed the door behind him.

The older man stood up and walked towards Dean, he raised his hand.

“Coach Ron,” he said with a smile. Dean studied ‘Ron’, he appeared to be in his late 40’s. His hair was mostly gone, but his face wasn’t hard, like all the other psychologists Dean knew. 

He wondered if he should say his name since it was basically stating the obvious, but Ron seemed to be waiting.

“Dean.”

Ron nodded, “Why don’t we take a seat, Dean?” He gestured towards the two chairs.

Dean sat down on the green chair, it stood next to the bookcase. Coach Ron sat opposite of him, on the blue chair, grabbing a notebook and pen on the way there. He reached into the pocket of his shirt, collecting a pair of reading glasses and put them on his big nose.  

“So, how are you doing?”

“Uh- Good,” Dean hesitated. He had been taking his medication, he hadn’t gotten into a fight recently and his alcohol usage had lowered a lot.

“Glad to hear that, Dean. How are you experiencing the cruise so far?” Ron pushed the sliding glasses back up his nose.

“It’s fine,” Dean’s mind flickered to Castiel. “The people are nice, the crew is.. friendly.”

“So the cruise is doing you well then?” Ron smiled.

Dean hated it when Sam was right, damn it. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Now I won’t lie to you, I have read your files and I know about your problematic past. But you should also know that I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it and help you.”

“And to make sure I don’t go all psycho again I bet,” Dean rolled his eyes. It wasn’t particularly Ron that he disliked, it was just the whole idea of someone who supposedly knew all the answers to Dean’s life.

“As I said, I’m here to help you and make sure you get to enjoy your stay.” Ron didn’t seem affected by Dean’s behavior.

“Yeah well, when you read those files, you know, the ones that told you all about me? Did you read the part where I beat someone so badly he was in a coma? Or maybe, maybe you just read the parts about my insane alcohol intake?”  
  
“Dean, calm down, please”

“Why the hell do you think you get to tell me how to live my life huh? You weren’t there when it happened, you have no idea what that feels like! I bet you thought I would be a challenge, your new fucked up project.” Dean hadn’t realized that during his angry speech he had actually stood up.

“To be honest I was just hoping to help you relax, get away from it all,” Ron replied calmly.

Dean clenched his fists, Sam would hate to see him like this. He took a deep breath and sat back down, “sorry” he mumbled. He was going to sit through this, not for himself but for Sam and Jess, because he knew it was only fair.

“It’s fine, in here you can express any emotion that you feel. Even if that is anger,” Ron said.

“Right, I just don’t want to relive it all again,” Dean admitted.

“That’s okay, we can talk about whatever you feel like.”

“Thanks,” Dean still didn’t like the whole idea of psychologists, but so far Coach Ron wasn’t too bad.

“So how is the intake of your medication going?”

He told Coach Ron about the numbing medication, but that it worked fine. After that, they talked about the cruise, Dean’s birthday, Sam and his visit to Charlie.  
  
Coach Ron was definitely a more optimistic person than Dean, but he meant well. And at the end of their session, Dean actually started to like the guy.

* * *

    
Dean stepped towards the door, opening it awkwardly as coach Ron was still talking about his new yoga routine. For the last fifteen minutes, he had been trying to convince Dean to go with him to the ship's yoga lessons, but Dean told him nicely that he would rather drown.

He finally got Ron to stop talking, but he wasn’t even out of the office yet when he felt someone bump into him.

“Dean?” a voice he easily recognized called out. His heartbeat sped up. He closed the door behind him as quickly as possible, even though he was pretty sure that “Coach Ron” had started talking again.

“Ah, Cas” Dean tried not to shout.                               

“Hey,” a smile lit Castiel’s face.

And it was his smile that reminded Dean that this was nothing like his friendship with Benny because this was Cas. And Cas was different, did that mean they couldn’t be friends anymore?

“Hey,” a second went past without them saying anything before Dean realized. “Oh, I wasn’t, uhm-“ Dean’s mind was trying to come up with a better excuse, but it was too late.

“Oh, you were visiting Ron?” Castiel asked.

“What, ah, no?” Real convincing there, Dean, he thought. “No, I was looking for,” his eyes scanned the floor. “That door”, he pointed towards the door at the end of the hall, it had a sign that said ‘activity lounge’.

“Oh,” Cas’ head tilted in a way Dean refused to call adorable. “You were going to Bingo?”

Dean could feel his cheeks heat up. “Yes, I uh- I have a secret passion for Bingo.” He tried to laugh it off, but he mentally scolded himself.

"Well, that I wouldn't want to miss," Cas smirked. "I think I just might have found my occupation for this afternoon."

 _Shit._ This was not going well.“Oh, uhm, aren’t you busy?”

“No, I actually have the day off.” Cas smiled as if that was a good thing.  

Dean wanted to tell him to go away, tell him that he’d changed his mind. But there was something in the way that Cas was looking at him, that made it impossible for him to say those things.

“Great,” Dean groaned, trying to hide the sarcasm.

“Let’s go then,” Cas said happily.

“Yeah sure,” Dean answered, walking behind Cas with reluctance.

 

* * *

  
Watching Dean play Bingo was more fun than Cas would have thought. After they got the hang of it and learned ‘the ways’ of Bingo, it got pretty serious.

Dean kept explaining that it was all about being quick and marking the called numbers. After the second round, Cas had to admit it was actually a pretty fun game. 

Even though he was totally sucking at Bingo, as Dean was friendly enough to point out every now and then. But Cas didn’t mind, watching Dean get so competitive with all the old ladies over such a simple game was more than enough fun.

The third round began and by this point Dean was concentrating so hard that his tongue was poking out of his mouth. It was at that point that Cas had totally given up even trying to pay attention to the woman calling the different numbers.

He would just watch Dean’s face scrunch up as his marker flew across the little paper. A little, satisfied grin appeared on his face whenever they called one of his numbers. Basically, everything about Dean playing bingo was adorable.    

Cas was woken up from his thoughts by a loud scream, almost making him fall out of the plastic chair.

“BINGO!” Dean jumped up, laughing out loud. “I WON! HA, IN YOUR FACE, OLD LADY!”

And Cas couldn’t help but burst out into laughter. He tried to mask his face when his co-worker glared at him with a stern face.

He looked over to an excited Dean, claiming his price like he had just won the Super Bowl. He could see his co-worker rolling her eyes.

Dean sat down next to Cas again, beaming proudly. The prize appeared to be a flat object, hidden within an envelope.

Meanwhile Dean's phone made a buzzing sound, but they were both too distracted to notice.

Dean opened it with greed, it made him look like a child on Christmas morning. Cas smiled, curious to see what Dean could have possibly won.

_‘Cinema Voucher. 2 pers. See a movie at the Cruise ship’s cinema.’_

“Oh, they’re actually showing the new Indiana Jones tonight,” Cas informed Dean, wondering if there was a chance Dean might invite him.

“Yeah, we should go,” Dean said, surprising Cas with his bluntness.

Cas frowned, smirking a little. “We?”

Dean cleared his throat, “Yeah, uh-I mean if you want to.”

"Well, if we're both planning to go anyway, we might as well go together." Cas winked.

Dean got up "Uhm, well then I'll see you-" He bumped into one of the empty chairs next to him. "Right. Okay,” He cleared his throat. “tonight.”

Watching Dean get all flustered was just as adorable as watching Dean get excited. This was getting past innocent flirting, this was _not_ good..

* * *

  
Castiel sat at his desk, he flipped through the pages of his favorite book. Funnily enough, this book was the reason he was on this cruise ship, well sort of.

It was about a young man who leaves his entire family behind to sail around the world. He makes a promise to himself, to learn something every time he reaches a new place. 

Of course, the book was fantasy, an unrealistic view on real life. Yet there was something about it that had pushed Cas to do the same, leave it all behind and start anew.

He looked up when he heard a knock on the door, he checked the clock, but he wasn’t supposed to meet Dean for another hour. He closed the book and walked towards the door, he hadn’t even fully opened the door yet when someone already stepped inside.

Cas didn’t need to think twice about who it was, “Balthazar, what are you doing here?”

“Well I’m obviously bored, I was hoping you’d find something to un-bore me”.  He sat down on the bed, folding his legs and he looked around the room.

“Well, I actually can’t, believe it or not. I have a life besides you.”

“What, that?” Balthazar pointed towards the book laying on the desk.

“I’m just going to see the new Indiana Jones movie.”

“Oh, please tell me you're not taking the book as your date! Unless..” Balthazars face lit up in excitement.

Castiel sighed, “Balthazar, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like that..”

“Oh really?” his face was wearing the smug grin again, which usually meant there was no convincing him otherwise.

“To be honest, I don’t even know what it’s like,” Cas admitted, because when it came to Dean nothing seemed to make sense.

“Oh come on, Cassie. You’d have to be blind to deny the chemistry between you two.”

“Maybe, but every time we actually get somewhat close he panics.”

“Well, maybe he knows that if he hurts you, he’s going to have to take it up against me.” Balthazar flexed his muscles, which made Cas roll his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.”

* * *

  
Dean had been pacing back and forth between his suitcase and the mirror for the past 20 minutes. So far there was nothing that seemed suited for tonight. 

  
Clothes had never been a problem Dean busied himself with, but at the moment it appeared to be his biggest problem. Everything kept looking too formal, like he was trying too hard, and for what exactly? He was just going to watch a movie with Cas, hell the cinema would be dark for crying out loud!  
  
He glanced at the clock on the wall, only 15 minutes until he had to be at the cinema. He eventually settled on the outfit that seemed most casual, jeans and a black v-neck, nothing to over-think about that. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, but gave up on trying to do his hair after the hair product stuck more to his hands rather than fixing his hair. Seriously, was hair product made of superglue these days?

He made sure that he had the tickets and did one last mirror check (when had he started doing that exactly?).

Dean stepped out of his room, almost closing the door behind him when he heard someone:

“Have a nice date, Dean-o!”

Dean looked up to see Balthazar walking past him with a huge grin.

“What?” Dean stopped walking, but Balthazar was already around the corner.

Shit. SHIT. What had he done? Was he about to go on a date with Cas? They hadn’t called it a date earlier, but then again, was that something to point out? And when do people call something a date anyway?

He had to get out of this, he had to cancel. His heart was racing, shit why was he so dizzy? Maybe Cas could go with Balthazar tonight, unless.. Unless Cas actually thought of this as a date. Had Cas agreed to a date with him?

Sweat was building up on his palms and forehead now, water, he needed cold water. Dean practically ran back into his room and into the bathroom, turning on the cold water tap and forming a bowl with his hands. The splash of cold water helped him cool down just enough to stop his mind from racing.

He could feel the waves of anxiety subside to a more manageable level. He was obviously overreacting; this wasn’t a date, just friends hanging out. 

* * *

 

With a nervous feeling in his stomach and the voucher in his hand, he walked towards the cinema. Seriously hoping not to run into that English-tea-drinking-smug-smiling-bastard again, well that was a pathetic attempt at an insult, he blamed the anxiety.

Dean felt his heart drop in his chest because Cas was already standing in front of the entrance.   

He took what seemed like the 100th deep breath that day, and walked over towards Cas.

“Hey Cas,” Dean smiled.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel replied.

 

* * *

 

  
The lights went out, the room faded into black around them. Speakers started blasting trailer music, a few more people came in and sat down quickly.

Dean tried to focus on the screen because saying that the dark created tension around them was an understatement. 

He cleared his throat, trying to lean away from Cas as much as the packed room allowed, which wasn’t at all easy, because there was an older (and sweaty) man sitting next to him. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he kept reaching for the popcorn at the same time as Castiel. He now really regretted sharing a big popcorn.

Once Dean could actually pay attention to the movie, he started to really like it. Even though some of the movie's moments were interrupted by loud belches from the other guy sitting next to Dean.

Near the end of the movie, the annoying guy was taking up so much space that Dean was almost pressed against Cas. He had no idea if he should ask Cas to lean the other way, was this overstepping the boundaries.

Balthazar’s remark echoed through Dean’s head and suddenly his breath got caught in his throat, making him feel suffocated. It all went down from there. His heartbeat sped up and the wave of nausea hit him harder than a brick wall. He clenched his fist, digging his nails deep into his hand. He tried to breathe through it, but the adrenaline became too much.

“’Scuse me,” he got up and tried not to _run_ to the exit door. He felt a pair of knees against his, hitting him hard, it was followed by a cuss and Dean secretly hoped it came from the older man.

Once he reached the hallway he slid down the nearest wall, resting his arms on his knees and he focused on regaining his breath.

Breathe in, breathe out, in, out, in, out.

“Dean?” A soft voice spoke next to him.

Dean’s eyes flew open, he could see that Cas was crouching down next to him. Cas’ gaze was focused on him, and for the first time he could see long awaited worry in the blue eyes.

Dean gave him a weak smile, it was all he could manage right now. Cas sat down next to him and for a while they didn’t say anything.

There were so many things Dean wanted to say. Of which at least 3 sarcastic comments ready to laugh away what had just happened. But he decided to let it go, instead he focused on Castiel’s breathing and tried to match it to his own.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” Castiel asked. He must have noticed that Dean’s breathing had calmed down.

“Yeah,” Dean’s reply was automatic and Cas didn’t seem to fall for it.

“No?” he paused. “I really don’t know..” Being open about feelings wasn’t something Dean was particularly good at.

“Why don’t we go outside?” Cas stood up and stretched out his hand.

He looked at the outstretched hand, for a second his heart jumped again, “Okay”.

If there was anything else Dean wanted to say, he wouldn’t have been able to. Because when Castiel’s hand closed over his, Dean’s mind went blank. He stood up with the help of Cas, but neither of them let go of their intertwined hands.

Instead, Castiel just started walking, squeezing his hand, as if he understood that Dean needed the reassurance.

They walked outside and the cool air was refreshing on Dean’s burning cheeks. They were on the ship’s outside deck, Dean felt a sudden panic when he realized they were in public. But when he looked around he saw that they were the only people outside, he sighed in relief.

“The stars really fascinate me you know,” Cas said, startling Dean a little.

“Why is that?” He let Cas lead them to the front railing of the ship.   
  
“It’s a lot of things, actually.” Cas smiled and Dean relaxed a bit more because there was something beautiful about a smiling Castiel. He cursed his inner self for not being able to hold back a smile.

“Tell me,” Dean nodded, hoping Cas hadn’t noticed the pause.  

“It’s the way they light up our sky. They look like tiny little lights, when they’re actually these huge creations. Did you know that most of the stars we’re looking at right now are already gone? We can only perceive them as the way they once were, it’s because of their distance.”

The way that Castiel talked about the stars made Dean wonder why he never thought of them as amazing. But maybe that was just because of how Castiel kept referring to them like they were miracles, each and every one.

“Did you know you can actually see some of the constellations from here?” Castiel said, pointing at the sky.

“Really?“ Dean asked while quickly trying to remember the exact definition of a constellation.

“If you know where to find them,” Cas smiled. “Here, you can see the great bear” he pointed to a group of stars above them.

Dean followed the direction, squinting his eyes in an attempt to see the so-called ‘Great Bear’.

“Do you see it?”

“How in the world is that a bear, Cas?” Dean laughed.

Cas chuckled, “Well there are a few theories to that question”.

“Please tell me none of them involve an actual bear?”

Suddenly Cas let go of their hands, Dean denied that it made him feel empty. He had no idea what to say, did Cas think this was overstepping?

But then Dean froze because Cas had moved behind him and his head was just a few inches away from Dean’s shoulder. He could feel Cas’ body heat from behind him, radiating as if they were both freaking magnets.

“Uhh,” Dean was sure he wanted to say something; but this as fuck wasn’t it.

Castiel ignored it, he stepped even closer so that the upper half of their bodies were lightly touching. Dean was sure that Cas could feel his heartbeat against his chest, he swallowed loudly.

Cas pointed over Dean’s shoulder, “look”, he whispered. He traced the lines of the great bear from star to star, but it was really hard to concentrate with Cas so close to him.

It was actually almost impossible because it felt as if his entire body was itching to lean back into Cas. He could feel Cas’ breath ghost over his neck, it made him shiver.

They stood there for quite a while, just looking at the stars together. Occasionally Cas would interrupt the silence by pointing out something to Dean about the stars, which he liked more than he would ever admit.

But the silence was challenging, it was then that Dean’s body was fully aware of how close Cas was. He had been denying every form of attraction he’d ever felt towards Cas since the bar, but it was getting a lot harder. But he couldn’t let this happen, he wouldn’t, not again...

Suddenly Cas’ arms wrapped around Dean’s upper body, he closed his hands over each other.

“Look, we’re in Titanic,” he laughed.

It was as if all the energy between them exploded, his body finally found relief, but it was replaced by a heart fastening feeling. When he fully realized what was happening he felt a heat rising to his cheeks. He was about to say something when he felt Cas’ hands on his own, lifting them into the air.

“You’re flying”, Cas whispered with a smile.

Dean swallowed loudly, his throat was feeling very dry all of the sudden.

“This is way too cliché, I can’t believe you’re doing this.” It came out a lot weaker than he intended.

“ _We’re_ doing this, actually.” Cas laughed playfully and Dean shook his head, but there was a small smile on his lips.

He quickly lowered his arms, swatting at Cas’ shoulder with his left hand as best as he could from this angle. “We,” he made air quotes with his hands, “were actually forced into this”.

“So you’re not enjoying it?” Cas asked, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean froze, this evening had turned into an early death date for Dean’s heart.

He turned his head slightly to look at Cas, who was looking at the sky again. Dean knew he had to get away from Cas asap, this was in no way going to end well.

A few seconds went past, “maybe, ah, maybe we should go back inside. I feel a lot better.”

“Are you sure?” Cas asked he was so close it made Dean shiver. “Your heart is still racing,” he moved his hand up and lay it flat on Dean’s chest.

“It does that a lot,” it was barely a whisper. He could feel Castiel’s eyes on him, he had to close his own eyes because this was all too much.

He was both relieved and disappointed when Cas stepped back, letting go of Dean completely.

“All right, let’s go back” Cas smiled and started walking.

Dean’s head was still spinning, but the faster he was back in his room the better.  

They walked back in silence until they reached the staircase.

“That was a really good movie” Cas stated as if nothing had happened.

“Yeah,” Dean had to try hard to actually remember any of it. “Aliens, though? I mean really?”

Cas laughed, “Well sometimes what you need is a little extraterrestrial”.

It was Dean’s turn to laugh, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“We don’t always need to understand, but we can still encounter.”

“Calm down, Shakespeare”

Cas chuckled, “Well then, I’ll go back to my room to write.”

“Yeah, good night Cas” Dean was more than relieved that they could still have their (somewhat) normal conversations.  

“Good night, parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.” Cas chanted.

“What?”

“Shakespeare, idiot” Cas smiled while walking away, leaving Dean confused.

 

* * *

 

  
Dean closed the door behind him, he took a deep breath and tried to comprehend what had just happened.

He was about to turn on the lights when he saw his phone screen light up from his nightstand.

 _Shit_ , with all the things that happened today, he totally forgot to text Sam. He checked his phone, 3 missed calls and 5 text messages.

He quickly pressed the call button behind Sam’s name, hoping he’d still be awake.

“Dean, finally!” Sam’s relieved voice sounded through the speaker.

“Sammy,” it was all he could think of.

“What’s wrong?” Sam knew him better than anyone, so of course he’d be able to tell that Dean wasn’t okay.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Sammy..” Dean dug his nails in his hand again to prevent the anxiety waves from taking over. This was not how he imagined this call.

“Do what, Dean? What happened?” Sam always tried to stay calm when Dean was like this. Dean hated it, but he couldn’t deny it was what he needed right now.

“I can’t,” he felt his anxiety grow stronger. “I need to leave, it’s happening all over again..”

“Oh shit…” Sam’s voice was full of worry this time.

 


	4. Bill Elliott & Music night

_2005, 13th November_

_“And what might your name be gorgeous?”_

_He looked around to see who the voice belonged to, he didn’t recognize the handsome stranger._

_“Dean,” he smiled playfully._

_“Well Dean, let me tell you a little something. You have to be careful in a place like this, with a face like yours.”_

_Dean blushed. “I think I can handle a few horny teens, thanks.”_

_“It’s not them I’m worried about, gorgeous. It’s people like me you should look out for,” he winked._

_Dean studied the other man closer now; he was about the same height, but his muscles made him look a lot bigger. His brown hair looked well kempt and his clothes looked too formal for a bar like this._

_Dean was not used to being hit on like this, he was usually the one on the other end._

_“And why is that, stranger?” he might have been startled, but Dean Winchester never passed a good flirt._

_“Because it’s men like me, that destroy guys like you,” his eyes were dark with lust._

_“Then it’s a good thing that I don’t get out of the way for danger then,” Dean’s heart was beating faster with excitement._

_“Well, in that case, nice to meet you. I’m Aidan.”_

* * *

 

_2008, May 8th (midnight)_

He had spent the last couple of minutes telling Sam about Castiel. About how they met at the bar, the way Dean had freaked out like a little girl. About the tour of the vineyards, the ice cream and the movie they watched together. (Though he left out the part where they were hugging underneath the starry sky...) 

But most of all, about how Cas and him shared the same humor, how he didn’t look at him with only pity and how open Cas was about his life.  
  
Okay so maybe more than a few minutes, damn it.  
  
 _“Dean, while I get why this is totally horrific..”_  he teased, Dean rolled his eyes.  _“Seriously, though, don’t you think this time it will be okay?”_  
  
“No,” Dean bit his lip because to be honest, he didn’t know if it would be okay.

 _“Dean,”_  Sam sighed.  _“I know how you feel after everything that happened, but maybe this is a way for you to let go. Move on, you know?”_

“Sam...” Dean closed his eyes for a second.

_“I know that you’re scared, Dean. But you can’t run from this forever.”_

“Oh really? Watch me.” Dean let out a sarcastic laugh.

_“Look, if it’s really that bad.. I’ll check with Charlie if she can come and get you earlier. But just try and enjoy our birthday gift a little longer, please?"_

Ugh, Dean hated it when his brother worked against his conscious. “Fine, but you’re paying the bills if I wreck the whole ship in one of my anxiety storms.”

 _“Please try to think of this as a good thing.”_ There was a pause, _“You are taking your medication, right?”_

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re asking me this.”

 _“Dean?_ ” Sam’s voice had a warning tone to it.

“Yes, of course. Jeez, since when did you become the annoyingly protective brother?”

 _“Since I had to,”_ Sam said, and Dean hated how serious he sounded.

“One more day, if I get through tomorrow without any anxiety attacks, I’ll stay. If not, this cruise is doing more wrong than good, so you or Charlie will have to pick me up.” Dean said reluctantly.

 _“Deal,”_ Sam’s smile was audible in his voice. He knew it meant Dean was going to try and give this a second chance, even though Dean didn’t admit that to himself yet.

“Thanks, Sammy” Dean might have a pain in the ass brother sometimes, but he was really thankful for Sam and he wouldn’t change it for anything.

 _“No problem, Dean.”_  He meant it, too. “Try to have a goodnight sleep, Jess says goodnight too, by the way.”

It wasn’t a surprise to Dean that Jess was there to hear the whole thing, “good night, Jess. Love you guys.”

 _“Love ya too, big bro.”_  Sam said before the beeps announced that the conversation was over.

Dean allowed himself to smile, he would take one chance to make the most out of this situation.

* * *

 

 _May 8th, morning_  
  
For the first time in months Dean took his medication with motivation, he could use the extra courage today.

Like a routine he checked the folder of the cruise after getting out of bed. Today they would be going to Wyandotte, MI. It offered a tour through the Henry Ford museum which showed historic monuments, like the Rosa Parks bus and Abraham Lincoln’s chair.  

The part that Dean liked best however was Greenfield Village:  
  
‘The village is the outdoor part of the Henry Ford museum, it shows nearly one hundred historical buildings that were moved to the property from their original locations and arranged in a "village" setting. The museum's intent is to show how Americans lived and worked since the founding of the country.’

He changed into his normal wear and went on to have breakfast.  

-

He was on his way back to the room when a flash of blue caught his attention. He stopped to look at the pin board, the flash of blue was actually a poster for the ship’s music night.

“Bingo!”

Across the hall on older lady Dean vaguely recognized shot him an angry glare. Dean was about to raise his eyebrows at her when he realized why she seemed so for familiar. “Oh,” he recognized her from his Bingo session yesterday..

He quickly turned back to the pin board.  

‘Tickets are available at the guest service on deck 6.’

With a good feeling, he went to get the tickets at the service desk and even flirted back to the annoying lady whom he’d met earlier.

He was humming on the way back to his room.

He killed some time by reading one of the books Jess packed, he flipped through the local TV channels and eventually resulted to folding his clothes.

By eleven o’clock they had arrived at their destination.

Dean wondered if he would see Castiel today, he briefly worried he wouldn’t get to ask him to the music night. But he brushed it off because today would be different, today he would have a plan and go through with it.    
  


* * *

 

The city itself was beautiful, small, but without a claustrophobic feel. There were a lot of green trees surrounding the area, accompanied by white little buildings and the museum.

The sun was nice and warm, but the breeze in the air made it bearable and  refreshing. The tour guy waited for them in the port. After 15 minutes of name checking, they were on their way.

The first stop was the Henry Ford museum. Dean wasn’t the museum type, he could only appreciate a painting or two before everything started to look alike. This place, however, was awesome.

The amount of different types of cars alone was enough to keep him busy for hours. They even showed Bill Elliott's race car and the museum told almost everything there was to know about cars.

There were also less interesting, or simply more strange things at the museum. Like the last breath of Thomas Edison in a tube, a bike that could fit ten people and a big collection of violins.   

After the tour through the indoors museum they were having lunch, after that they would be visiting Greenfield village.

Since the weather was so nice they decided to have a picnic outside on the grass. While Dean preferred a comfortable seat while eating, he couldn’t complain because the lunch was actually pretty great.

* * *

 

He had moved to a wooden bench that stood secluded from the group, he was enjoying the warm sun and the quiet when he heard a voice coming from behind him.

“Dean-o!” the voice said.

Dean sighed, “not you again…” He was already on edge without Balthazar’s comments.

However when he turned around, he looked into two pairs of blue eyes. His mood instantly brightened.

“Hey Dean”, Cas smiled, and for a second Dean’s nerves were ready to throw his plan overboard.

There was no backing out of this, though, not anymore.

“Cas, nice surprise seeing you here” he smiled, ignoring a catcalling Balthazar.

Dean noticed that neither of them was in their uniform, “you’re not here as tour guides?”

“We thought that by blending in, we could avoid having to do any work,” Balthazar said.

Dean looked over at Cas, waiting for a better explanation.

“We just have the hour off and decided to kill some time here,” Cas offered before sitting down next to him. He closed his eyes when the sunlight hit his face, and for a moment Dean had trouble with breathing.   
  
“Is he always this sarcastic?” Dean asked after clearing his throat, ignoring Balthazar who rolled his eyes.

“Ever since I met him,” Cas smiled.

“Yes, all very touching.” Balthazar grimaced.  

“How did you guys meet?” Dean was expecting an unrealistic explanation.

They both looked at Balthazar. “No, please. Go ahead” he gestured towards Castiel, who rolled his eyes.

“Well, there’s not much to tell. I was working on this cruise and last year Balthazar showed up, well you can imagine his first impression.”

Dean snorted, how anyone could hire such a sarcastic douche was beyond him.

“Hey, I’ll have you know they all loved me.” Balthazar interrupted.

“Yeah, maybe on the first few days, he almost got fired on his fifth evening.”

“It’s not my fault that the fire alarm went off, now is it?” Balthazar rolled his eyes.

“Well, that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t dropped that flambé in a passenger's lap while checking out the waitress.”

“What idiot thought flaming desserts were a good idea, anyway?

“Needless to say, he hasn’t worked in the restaurant ever since.”

Dean was laughing too hard to hear Balthazar's argument, who was now shooting him an annoyed look.

“Oh don’t worry about him, he’s all bark and no bite,” Castiel said.

“Adorable,” Dean grinned.

“Yes, I’m a big fluffy kitten.” Balthazar smiled sarcastically, “doesn’t mean I won’t scratch out your eyes, though...”

“Aw, did the kitty just purr?” Dean said, making Cas chuckle.   

“I will hurt you,” Balthazar warned, but it only resulted in both Cas and Dean laughing.

“Wait, what would that make us?” Cas asked.

“Me, a big Rottweiler, of course, you...more like ah- a border collie pup”

Dean chuckled at Cas’ reaction, he didn’t say anything he but instead he just tilted his head a little. His mind seemed to be processing it because Dean could see him getting flustered.   

“Ugh, if everyone was as cheesy as you two, the world would be one blooming fondue.”

Now Dean felt his cheeks heat up, but hearing Cas laugh made him relax a little.  

“Well, luckily for us there’s always people like you,” Castiel smiled sarcastically.

Dean smiled at Cas, leaving them to look at each other for a few seconds. He had no idea how it was possible, but the sunlight made Castiel’s eyes seem even bluer, more see through as if you could simply look into his mind.  

They were brought back to reality by a guide announcing that the group would resume their tour now.

“That would be our call, come on Lassie.” Balthazar made a whistling sound.

Castiel rolled his eyes at Baltazar but smiled when he turned back to Dean. “See you later”

“Wait, are you working all day or?” Dean mentally crossed his finger that he’d be free tonight, why didn’t he think of that earlier?

“No, I get off at six,” Castiel said, reassuring Dean of his plan.

“Okay, right, Well see ya later, Cas” Dean turned towards the group and couldn’t help but smile.

* * *

 

After the cool tour through the Greenfield village, they walked back towards the ship. Dean was surprised to see Castiel sitting outside on the same bench they’d met earlier today.

He walked over towards Cas, feeling relieved when he saw that Balthazar wasn’t around.

“Hey,” he waved when Cas looked up from his phone.

“Dean,” Cas smiled.

Shit, this was it. No turning back now.

“So Cas, I was wondering” he swallowed. “Maybe we could check out that music night tonight? Dean sincerely hoped he didn’t sound nervous. “I promise I won’t run out this time,” he tried jokingly.

He was waiting for Cas to reply, but the tousle-haired man didn’t say anything. He just moved his eyes over the little screen of his phone, his mouth in a tight line.

“Cas?” Dean snapped his fingers in front of the phone, but there was still no reaction. To say this made Dean a little nervous was an understatement.

“Hmm?” Cas finally managed.

“Is everything okay?” Dean wondered out loud.

“Yeah, everything is... fine. Sorry Dean, I have to go. I’ll catch you later!” And with that got up and almost bolted out of there as if Dean was a dangerous, growing fire.

Dean stood there for a few more seconds, not sure whether he should feel hurt, or confused.

* * *

 

Castiel’s feet took him towards one of the few safe places aboard the ship. His heart was racing and he had to take a couple of deep breaths before turning towards the door, his mind didn’t calm down, though.    
  
“Balthazar,” he knocked on the door twice before stepping in.

“Ah, my beloved Cassie, whatever can I do for you?” Balthazar sat down at the end of his bed, patting next to him as a gesture for Cas to sit down.

Castiel ignored the gesture, “I just got a text from my brother”. He held up the phone as if was pure toxic. He knew Balthazar would understand he meant his brother Michael.

“That does seem rather unusual”

“Would you stop mocking my problems.”

“I would never,” Balthazar acted offended. “I’m simply saying that your brother normally never contacts you.”

“Yes and that’s exactly the problem. What could he possibly want?” Castiel started pacing up and down the room.

“A better sense of fashion?” he shrugged when Cas gave him a glare. “I don’t know. Have you talked to Gabe yet?”

“No, I texted him but he’s probably asleep since it’s like midnight there.” Castiel sighed. “Sometimes I wish he lived closer,” he ran his fingers through his hair.   

“Well isn’t that the good thing about texting? You don’t need to respond immediately.”

“Well with Michael you never know…” Cas thought back of the time where his brother sent three of his “friends” to Paris, just because he wouldn’t respond to Michaels calls.

“What did the text say anyway?” Balthazar asked.

“Just that he wanted to see me because we had something to discuss.”

“Ugh, even via text he sounds boring.” Balthazar let himself fall on the bed.

“What if he calls me?” Castiel was pacing by now, this was too stressful.

“Just tell him to bugger off” Balthazar waved his hand in the air.

“Then I might as well throw myself overboard right now.”

“All right drama queen, could you sit down. You’re making me nervous.”

Castiel face planted himself onto the bed, “h- dsnt -vn -ke me”

“Yeah, I didn’t get any of that, love.” He patted Castiel’s back.

“I said,” Castiel flipped over to lie on his back. “He doesn’t even care about me, he’s always too busy being the perfect son to my parents.”

“Just because he’s an ass-kisser, doesn’t mean he hates you.”

“Gross. Anyway, the only thing he cares about is protecting the family image.” Cas rolled his eyes.

* * *

 

Dean was currently sitting in the ship’s restaurant, he had run into Benny and Maria during the tour. He had promised to have dinner with them later, but then the whole thing happened and now he wasn’t even hungry.

Yes, the food on the menu sounded delicious, but his stomach was in knots. His mind was too busy racing, what the actual hell had happened back there?

“Dean, you okay buddy?”

“What?” Dean looked up at Benny, both him and Maria were looking at him.

“You seem a bit absent,” Maria said. Dean could see the concern in their eyes, a look he could never really get used to.

“Oh I was just thinking about that Edison guy, can’t believe he co-invented the electric chair. I mean, that’s just horrible,” he tried to brush it off.

“Yeah, that sure was something.” Benny agreed, but he didn’t seem to buy it.      

Maria and Benny spent the rest of the dinner giving him concerned looks, but they didn’t ask any more questions.

The only thing Dean kept asking himself was if he did something wrong. It was the not knowing what happened part that frustrated him, it made him feel on edge.

There was anger building up in him, not necessarily towards Cas but more towards himself. How could he have tricked himself into believing this time it would be all right?

By the time they finished their main course, half of which was still on Dean’s plate, they started talking again. The topic never changing into something too personal.

While discussing the dessert menu, Dean caught a glimpse of the word ‘flambe’, making him chuckle. However, he strongly advised the others not to order the fiery dessert, just in case.

* * *

  
Balthazar had suggested that they ordered room service, they were waiting for the pasta to arrive when Castiel’s mind decided to remember something.

“Shit,” Cas’ eyes grew wide.

“What now?” Balthazar said, sounding annoyed.

“I think Dean asked me out today..” Cas realized.

“God finally,” his friend proclaimed, throwing his arms up.

“No you don’t get it,” Cas said seriously. “I  didn’t say anything...”

* * *

 

“Why don’t you just join us tonight?” Maria asked.

“Nah, I don’t wanna bother you guys.”

“It’s fine, you can tag along if you want to,” Benny said.

Declining offers had become like second nature to him, but he liked music, he enjoyed spending time with Benny and Maria. So what the hell, why not.

“Yeah, sure. You’re fault though if you get sick of my face.”

“We’ll see you tonight, Dean.” Maria smiled.

“See ya,” Dean turned around.

“Wait,” Benny said, making him turn back. “Take my business card, has my number on it in case we miss each other.”

He took the business card from Benny and they parted.

Once he was back in his room he took a quick shower and changed into a simple white shirt and blue jeans. He checked the clock, it was eight o’clock, only 30 minutes left till he had to be in the ship’s lounge.     

Today had taken a completely different turn, it wasn’t what he wanted today to be like. Though he was grateful to have met Benny and Maria, because at least he wasn’t alone.    

* * *

 

“What are you going to do about ditching your troubled prom date?”

“That’s not nice, Balthazar,” Cas said to an indifferent Balthazar. “But to answer your question, I don’t know, I mean I can’t just leave him hanging like that.”

“Oh, for the love of bloody Margret, just text him,” Balthazar said.

“Yes, that would be a great idea if I actually had his number!”

“Well don’t bloody yell at me,” Balthazar said.

“Sorry, it’s just” Cas sighed. “I officially suck…”

“Well, leaving a guy, who, by the way, is known for being a big ball of walking anxiety, is not one of your best moves.”

“Thanks,” Cas said sarcastically. “He probably doesn’t even want to talk to me.”

Balthazar cursed under his breath, he never liked serious conversations, but seeing his friend like this wasn’t what he wanted either. “Come on, Cassie, he isn’t that big of a twat. He’ll probably understand or something...”

“I think I should talk to him, like now,” Cas said.

“Well, do you remember his room number?”

“What? Balthazar, for the hundredths time, I’m not sleeping with Dean!”

“And by not sleeping you mean…” Balthazar smirked, but Cas shot him a warning glare. “All right, all right,” he threw his hands up.

“As I was saying, I don’t know where to find him.” Cas sighed.

“Well, maybe we could-“

“I’m not bribing our staff members to tell me where Dean’s room is.”

“It was just a thought.” Balthazar said. “What if-“

“No.”

“Shut up and let me finish, what if he’s at ship’s the music night?”

* * *

 

The ship’s lounge area was changed into a stage room. Instead of claustrophobic seated rows, small round tables were scattered around the room, accompanied by chairs. The lighting was dimmed and there were curtains in front of the windows, it reminded Dean of a homey music bar.

The three of them sat down at a table in the back, much to Dean’s relief. Waiters were walking around with beer and white wine, and on stage instruments were being set up.

When the waiter came by their table they all ordered a beer, the entire atmosphere was relaxing.

Another couple joined their table, they seemed a few years older than Benny and Maria. The guy, whose name turned out to be Ryan, was actually a musician himself and he met his fiancé, Valerie, during one of his performances.

Dean felt surprised that talking to both couples seemed to be the easiest thing in the world. He had actually forgotten how comfortable he used to be around people, as long as conversations didn’t include feelings, he was perfectly fine.

The next hour was filled with talking and listening to the music. Though Ryan and Maria always made sure there was another topic ready to be talked about.

Valerie was a lot more composed than Maria, she seemed to listen more than she talked. Ryan, on the other hand, was having a lively conversation with Benny and Maria.

Dean wondered why people who were so different, could still be together. But every now and then, between sentences, Ryan would look over at his fiancé and they would share a smile.  It was such a simple gesture, but now Dean understood she didn’t mind listening to him talk.

The music varied from country to rock, creating a pleased atmosphere with the audience. It also switched between bands and solo artist, every performance was about half an hour long.

“So Dean, why didn’t your brother join you on this cruise?” Valerie asked.

Dean was surprised by her question, but also warmed by her sincerity.

“Ah, to be honest, I think he got sick of me,” Dean said jokingly.

“And here I was, thinking you were a joy to be around. Guess I suck at interpretation.” She smiled.

“Sorry to be the one to burst your bubble,” Dean smiled back.

* * *

 

“Dean, isn’t that your friend over there?” Benny asked.

Dean’s heart sped up, he tried his best not to turn around, “no, probably not.”

“Huh, he sure looked like the guy.” Benny shrugged.

He could feel Valerie's eyes on him, but he couldn’t look at her. Was Cas really here? And if he was, why reject Dean and then go himself?   
  
He felt dizzy, goddamnit! This was not supposed to happen, not today.

A few minutes passed, but Dean couldn’t get himself to join any of the conversations. He kept his eyes glued to the company at his table, not even allowing himself a glimpse around the room.

But it was too late because Benny’s hand shot in the air to wave at someone, and Dean didn’t have to guess twice.

Shit. “I-ah, I gotta take a leak, be right back.” It took every ounce of strength he had not to run off, he slowly got up and made way for the restroom.

Once he was inside and made it into a cubicle, a shiver of relief thrilled his body. He tried to keep his breathing even, why did Castiel have this insane effect on him?

Spending time with Benny and the others made him realize how much this wasn’t like him. Sure, a lot of things had changed in the last two years. But hiding in a cubicle because of some guy, that was a new low for him, and he hated it.

Actually he despised it, felt angry towards Cas even, because he had made him feel this way. He was a walking reminder of his anxiety, of everything he didn’t want to be anymore.

He felt like throwing up. This had to stop, he had to make an end to this right now, before it could get worse. The day would end in the opposite of what Dean had intended.

He straightened his shoulders and shook his head as if it would clear his mind.

With a dedicated feeling he walked back towards the group, his heart skipped when he saw an extra chair was added to the table.

The new addition to the group turned around and his face lit up, lips turning into a smile.

“Dean,” Castiel sounded relieved.

“Cas,” Dean nodded, he sat down with a heavy feeling in his stomach.

His face faltered a little, his eyes questioning. No one at the table said anything, the silence uneasy.

“What?” Dean asked.

Benny cleared his throat, noticeably searching for something to say.

Valerie was faster, though. “Maria, you were telling us about how you and Benny met.”

“Right! So we met in June and-”

“I want to explain why I left so sudden.” Cas said quietly.

Maria was still happily talking about her and Benny, everyone seemed to be listening to her.

“It’s fine, I get it.” Dean couldn't allow himself to look at Cas again.

“Dean,” his voice was persistent.

“Don’t worry, I can take a hint.” He just wanted Cas to stop talking, prevent him from saying the words Dean horribly dreaded.

“My brother sent me a text.”

“What?” Dean was caught off guard.

“He told me that he wants to see me, and that threw me off.”

“I thought you and your brother got along?” Dean annoyance turned into confusion.

“I get along with Gabriel, my brother Michael on the other hand, not so much.”

“You never mentioned him…” Dean felt himself getting embarrassed.

“For a reason,” Cas huffed.

“So you didn’t even hear what I said?” Dean tried not to blush.

“I only just realized,” Cas said.

It took him a moment to process the new information. Cas didn’t blow him off, he was just distracted, and for once he was the one who got scared and ran. Dean’s anger turned into relief, into concern for his friend, and also shame for overreacting, again.

“Well I feel like an idiot,” Dean admitted out loud.

“Don’t. I shouldn’t have taken off like that,” Cas said, but he seemed relieved.

“Yeah, who would do something like that?” Dean couldn’t help but laugh, and he was glad that he did, because Cas seemed to smile again.

“Too bad music night is almost over, though.” Cas said, Dean could tell he felt bad about it.

“Then let’s hope they saved the best for last.” Dean smiled.

“Hey, Dean?” it was barely a whisper.

“Yeah?” he raised his eyebrows.

“I’m really sorry I left you like that, I know that-“

“Cas, it’s fine, seriously.”

Cas genuinely smiled at him and it made Dean feel warm inside, happy.

Dean hadn’t realized they had moved closer towards each other. His first instinct was to move away, create space, but he didn’t have it in him, not after today. He felt the same itching as the night before, but right now he didn’t feel anxious.

He reached for Cas’s hand under the table, latching their fingers together. From the corner of his eye he thought he could see Cas smiling, a small squeeze of his hand confirmed that.

They both joined the conversation, listened to everyone talk and laughed at the ridiculous stories that were shared. They all ordered a new round of drinks.

No one seemed to notice their intertwined hands, every now and then a thumb brushed over the others hand, followed by a responsive squeeze.

Dean took a sip of his beer, he smiled at Castiel who smiled back at him. Yeah, maybe Sam was right, he would make sure to text him later that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for (still) reading this fanfic, I know I'm not the fastest writer! I try though :)
> 
> If you want, you can ask me questions on here or over on my Tumblr (totallyxawesome.tumblr.com).


	5. Ramble on & Moonlit beaches

 

2008, May 9th

 

Castiel turned off his alarm clock, it was 7:00, but he had seen it turn 6:00, and 5:00. He sat on the edge of his bed and ruffled a hand through his dark hair.

Michael’s text was everything he didn’t need at the moment. Just the thought that Castiel had almost blew the already small chance he had with Dean, because of Michael… It made him feel angry, towards himself, Michael, and his parents. 

When he moved to live with his aunt he thought he wouldn’t have to deal with his parents anymore. But then that all turned sour when his parents found out he was dating a guy while living with his aunt. So his second escape was living with his brother Gabriel, which was nice, but even after a few years his life just didn’t seem to unfold. He had a job, he had his brother, but that was about it, it was a bland life.

So when he escaped to this cruise, he hoped it would be the end of his boring and rigorous life. He was so surprised to meet a lot of nice co-workers, even get a (slightly weird) best friend out of it. And then Dean came along, someone so sweet, but so scared… Just as scared as Castiel had been when he first arrived at the cruise, and Cas didn’t want to do anything but help him. Yes, he enjoyed keeping Dean on edge, but somehow he was always taking it a step too far when it came to him.

He looked back at his alarm clock, it was now 07:09, he had to be ready by 07:45. He dragged himself to the shower, not even bothering with making sure the water was the right temperature.

Castiel slowly changed into his work clothes, he had to take the morning shift from 8 till 11, followed by another shift from 12 to 4. Then there was also the second music night on deck later this evening with cocktails, which meant he had to work from 6 till 11, too.

He glanced at his phone on the desk, afraid that another text from Michael would appear any second. So he decided to text Dean, hoping that this would make him feel less anxious towards the mention of a text. 

He felt a little bit better after sending the text, the image of Dean smiling as he read it was enough to make this morning a little less terrible.

 

* * *

 

Dean rolled onto his side, snuggling the warm blanket. The sun was starting to come up, shining yellow beams into the room and Dean knew he could get used to this. Sam would be proud to see that Dean was getting up without the help of his 12 pm alarm clock.

He rolled over to reach for his phone, wanting to see Sam’s reaction if he texted him this early in the morning. He unlocked his phone to see a text from an unknown number, he clicked on it with curiosity.

His heart jumped at the words on the screen: “good morning, sunshine:) - Shakespeare”. He couldn’t stop a small laugh that got caught in his throat, Cas texted him just like he had promised to. Last night Dean had told him to send a text to his number because he didn’t have his phone with him.

He decided to type a text message to Sam first, but not before checking the cruise folder.

Day 6:  Explore this Great Lakes metropolis during an optional panoramic city tour via trolley, including a visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Dean’s eyebrows raised at today’s description because that sounded kind of awesome. First the awesome cars, and now Rock & Roll, man this cruise was awesome.

“Rise and shine, Sammy. Visiting the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame today, can’t wait. How’s paradise without me? Bet it’s lonely.”

He flipped back to Castiel’s text, with a smile he added ‘Shakespeare’ to his contact list.

He untangled himself from the sheets and got out of bed. He decided that he would take a shower before replying to the text. He turned the shower, the warm water was immediately relaxing to his muscles, it woke him up. After a long shower he shaved, brushed his teeth and took his medication.

He grabbed his phone, he had one new text message from Sam: “Good to see you’re up early for once :) Have fun at the Hall of Fame, Jess and I miss ya. x”

He opened Castiel’s text again, deciding what he should send back.

“Morning William, work today? - D” He hesitated for a second, he shook his head, “this is ridiculous…” he said to himself and pressed send.

 

* * *

 

2005, December 22nd  

“Dean, don’t look at me like that.” his voice said disapprovingly.

“I’m not looking at you like anything.” Dean huffed.

“Yes you are,” Aidan said. “Is this because I won’t spend Christmas with you?”

“Like I care about some lame Holiday,” Dean snapped at him.

“Well, apparently you do because you keep being in this childish mood!”

Dean felt his stomach drop, the truth was that he didn’t really care for Christmas, but he knew his little brother did. They didn’t spend as much time together as they used to after Sam went to college, but he had promised to visit him on Christmas day.

“Fine, I’ll go alone, forget I even asked.” Dean turned around.

“So this is about Christmas,” Aidan stopped Dean from walking out of the room.

“You know it isn’t, it’s about my-”

“Yeah, your younger brother I know, you talk about him too much as it is.” Aidan cut him off.

“Like I said, forget it.” Dean felt like Aidan knew how to get to him.

“Babe,” Aidan wrapped his arms around Dean. “Come on, you know I can’t come with you. I have my own family to visit, plus we can’t have people know that we’re queer, now can we?”

“I just wish that…” Dean didn’t really know what to say.

“I know, I know. Come on, let’s enjoy our last night together.” He grabbed a hold of Dean’s hand and guided him towards the bedroom.

 

* * *

  
2008, May 9th

 

Castiel’s morning shift at the spa normally wasn’t too bad. It was basically massaging people and flooding them with herbal tea’s afterward, accompanied with a basic mumbo jumbo speech about all the natural side effects of the tea. Sometimes people opened up to him, suddenly startled him with the current problems in their lives, but even that was not really a problem for Cas. At least when they were talking he didn’t have to think about his own problems.

He was in the middle of a massage, when his thoughts started to drift off, towards his family. He tried hard to forget about the text from Michael, but every time he heard a phone-like sound he felt jittery.

Whenever it was quiet in the spa, he was constantly checking his cell phone. It drove him crazy, he hadn’t even replied to his brother, yet. Because what was there to say?

He decided to send another text to Dean, he definitely needed the distraction. He had read his reply over and over again, he still couldn’t believe Dean was flirting back with him, or at least acknowledging that particular night.

He bit his lip, would it scare Dean away if he would send another text? Cas was still overwhelmed by his affection yesterday night, even if it had been in secret, Cas knew that was a big step for Dean. He didn’t want to push his boundaries anymore...

 

* * *

 

Dean was waiting for Benny and Maria to meet him in the lounge when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. His heart skipped a beat when he saw it was another text from Cas.

“Yeah, I’m stuck on the ship all day, sadly. Have fun at the Hall of Fame, and tell me you’re joining the ship’s cocktail party. - S”

Dean had to chuckle at Cas’s melodramatic touch, he typed back a response.

“Poor you. Now, why would I do that? You know I don’t drink anything strong. -D”

For some reason, it was a lot easier to be completely himself through text, which was exactly as pathetic as it sounded.

He didn’t have time to put his phone away before the next notification indicated a reply.

“I’ll sneak you a beer, or two… It would just suck if I didn’t have anyone (fun) to talk to. -S”

Dean smiled, he liked the thought of Castiel wanting him to be there tonight. He quickly typed a reply when he saw Benny and Maria coming towards him.

“I’ll check to see what my busy schedule permits… Gotta go now. -D”

 

* * *

 

After a horrible bus ride, they stopped at their destination. Dean looked up at the giant glass pyramid, big statues of guitars decorated the outside square. Big silver letters on the nearby wall announced the Rock & Roll hall of fame.

When the group stopped at the ticket desk, Dean looked around for familiar faces. He saw that Valerie was talking to one of the tour guides, when he looked to her left he could see that Ryan was actually talking to Benny. He walked over to them, feeling relieved that he was getting to know more people on this cruise.

He greeted his friends and they all shared their excitement about the museum, especially him and Ryan.

The museum was pretty impressive, wall after wall was covered in information and album covers. In front of exposition stood instruments, mannequins with weird yet awesome outfits and a lot of cd players with headphones.     

Dean was awfully disappointed when he asked the tour guide about Led Zeppelin. The guide told him that there was no exposition, only a video from their performance at the museum back in 1995. With a huff, he took out his phone, typing an indignant text message to Cas.

“Can’t believe it, they call themselves the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, but they don’t even showcase the talent that is Led Zeppelin. Ugh, I’m gonna be sick… - D”

He caught up with the group, who had already moved on from the exposition that was not Led Zeppelin. In the next hall, Dean found a music player that was connected to speakers that hung all around the room. With a grin on his face, he searched the museum’s playlist, relieved to find out that at least the list had one of his favorite songs on it. He clicked on the title and the room filled with the awesome sound of ‘Ramble on’ by Led Zeppelin.

At that moment his phone vibrated, showing a new text from Cas.

‘They are so overrated, I heard they don’t have RUSH either. Did you storm out of there? Or at least give them the verbally strong speech they deserve? - C’

Dean chuckled, at least Cas understood the importance of Rock classics. He typed back a response, telling Cas he would have to share a few words with the manager of this place.

The rest of the tour was all right for a museum that didn’t showcase his favorite band. At the end they all had dinner together and Ryan ended up performing a few songs on one of the displayed ‘feel free to use’ guitars. Benny and Maria eventually joined in by singing along, and it was a combination of hysterical laughter and ear deafening moments.

Near the exit was some sort of photo booth, there were all kinds of rock props to pose with. And of course, Maria and Valerie thought this was a good idea, so that was why the five of them were currently crammed in the small photo booth. Benny and Maria were holding up a plastic guitar, Ryan was wearing a pair over the top sunglasses and a top hat, Valerie held up two drumsticks and Dean pretended to sing into a plastic microphone, also wearing sunglasses. By the third picture they were all doubled over in laughter, because Benny thought it was a good idea to stand up and strike a rock & roll pose, sending the rest of them toppling off the bench.

They all ended up buying the pictures, even though they looked extremely ridiculous. Dean put the pictures in his wallet, it was a silly thing to do, but it meant something to him.

 

* * *

 

Once they all got back to the ship, Dean suggested that they should go to the music night again. And even though they had spent the entire day surrounded by music, the couples agreed.

“I think it would be a good idea to freshen up, change into some fresh clothes and meet up again, in say an hour?” Maria suggested.

“Sounds fine by me,” Dean said, followed by a nod from Valerie and Ryan.

Dean opened the door to his room, he was glad that he didn’t spend as much time here as he would have thought. With all the tours, Cas, and now his friends, he didn’t even have much time on his own.

He decided to take a shower and brush his teeth. When he was done he felt a lot better, excited for tonight even. A new text from Cas lit up his phone screen, Dean grabbed his phone from the bedside table.

“Hey, you still coming to the music night :)?” - C”  

“Why, have you changed your mind about me being there ;)?” Dean typed back.

“No.” The response made Dean’s heart flutter, yeah, he was definitely looking forward to tonight.

 

* * *

 

“Hey bartender, one beer please.”

Castiel turned around, his lips curled into a smile. “Of course, one beer coming up.”

“So, how was your day?” Dean asked. 

“Boring,” Cas put a beer in front of him, “yours?”.

“Awesome,” he took a sip of the cold beer. “Sorry, I don’t mean to rub it in your face.”

Cas laughed, “No worries, so tell me about the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame”.

“So after I got over the fact that freaking Led Zeppelin wasn’t in there, it was pretty good. A lot of clothes and album covers, but we had fun.” Dean smiled.

“Glad to hear that,” Cas smiled. “Oh, one minute,” a few people were frantically trying to get his attention by waving their empty glasses above their heads.

Dean rolled his eyes at customers. A silence settled between them as Castiel took a few other orders. Dean pulled up a barstool and sat down, his group of friends probably wouldn’t notice his absence… much.

He was playing with one of the coasters while Cas poured some people different cocktails. Dean watched how Cas interacted with others, how he never seemed to stop smiling, occasionally he would wipe back a few strands of hair that fell in his face.

Castiel turned back to him again, “Are you watching me?” he asked with an amused smile.  

“Maybe I was just envying your social skills.”

Cas chuckled, “Like you have such bad social skills.” 

“Yeah, running off on people really tends to work in making friends.” Dean laughed, it was easy to make jokes like this around Cas.

“Oh, that’s what that was!” Castiel grinned.

“Well, apparently it worked.” 

“Yeah, I guess it did.”

The rest of the evening went on like that, Cas would switch between talking to Dean and helping a customer. Eventually, Benny came up to him and gestured the group to follow, they all sat down at the bar.

It wasn’t a surprise to see that Castiel was getting along fine with the others. He was just one of those people who people easily to talked to. They were so busy talking, that they didn’t even realize when all the bands stopped playing because the music night was over.

 

* * *

 

2008, May 10th

 

There was something about waking up after sleeping for exactly 8 hours, the word to describe it? A-fucking-mazing. He sang in the shower, hummed while brushing his teeth and smiled when he took his medication.

When he sat down on the couch to read the folder, his eye fell on the white envelope that contained the spa voucher. Dean shrugged, why not use it today, they wouldn’t be arriving at their destination until 3 anyway.   

 

* * *

 

Dean walked over towards the desk in the small waiting room, an older man was reading something on his computer.

Dean cleared his throat, causing the man to look up. “I’ve got a voucher, for ah- a massage.”

“Yes, of course” he took the voucher from Dean. “We have a spot open at half past one, if you don’t mind, it’s been a little busy so we’ll have to call in some backup.”

“Sure, that’s fine.” Dean shrugged.

“So, Dean Winchester at 1.30 pm here’s the card and when you come back here someone will pick you up. Have a nice day, sir.”

“Thank you,” He walked away, hoping that the older man wasn’t the masseur.

 

* * *

 

He undressed in the small changing room, throwing on a white bathrobe. It was a little awkward knowing that he would have to take it off again and be naked in front of a stranger.

When he opened the door that said “spa room”, he walked into a slightly bigger room. In the middle was one of those massage tables with the weird donut headrests, there was a big towel spread across the table and another folded towel on top of it.

The room was dimly lit by candles and in the background there was soft music playing, that for some reason reminded him of a Japanese garden.

There was no one in the room, though. He didn’t know if he was supposed to just lay on the table down or stand here and wait.

Just as he was about to make a decision, the door on the other side of the place opened. Someone in all white clothes walked into the room, and it took about 2 seconds before Dean realized exactly who it was, sonofabitch...

 

* * *

 

Cas quickly changed into his work clothes, well his other work clothes that was. He had been called from his usual bar shift to come and help out at the spa, something about it being too busy.

His first appointment was at half past one, which, of course, was already in 5 minutes. Once he was dressed he practically ran from his room to the Spa, giving himself a minute to control his breathing before he stepped into the massage room.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, I was only just called in and-” Castiel’s voice hitched because in all the hurry he hadn’t bothered to check who was costumer would be. But right now that appeared to be a big, big mistake because his customer was none other than Dean Winchester, fuck.

They were both silent for a few seconds, Castiel briefly wondered if they were even going to say anything at all.

One part of Castiel was enjoying this, the look of pure horror on Dean’s face alone was something to remember. But the bigger, and better part of him felt guilty and wondered if he should walk away while he still could.

“This doesn’t have to be awkward, don’t worry I can be professional about this.” He tried to reassure a still horrified looking Dean.

“What the hell,” Dean said and his hands slid to the belt of the bathrobe, opening it with determination. It took everything in Cas not to look, instead he turned around and pretended to sort out the massage oil.

When he turned back around Dean was laying on the massage table, his back and, well, his butt bare. He tried to hide a smile that was spreading across his face, because no matter how wrong this was, Dean’s body was definitely breathtaking. He cleared his throat, taking another towel to put over his behind, otherwise this wouldn’t be professional for much longer.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean’s heart was racing, everything about this should have had him running out of this room. This was wrong, and he knew it.

The tension was practically palpable, like a thick fog in the morning air. The moment Cas’s hands connected with Dean’s back, his breath hitched. It was like his skin was lit with little electrical wires, planting a nervous flickering in his stomach.

“You need to loosen up, you’re gonna be cramping your muscles this way,” Castiel said.    

“Uh-right,” of all the comments he could come up with, this was the only one that he could manage. He was so torn between having a panic attack, and letting go, he decided on the latter.

Dean shivered when Cas’ hands left his back, he could hear him opening a bottle. The next second an ice-cold liquid dripped onto his lower back, and Dean couldn’t hold back the scream that escaped his mouth.

“Sorry, sorry” Cas apologized, sounding a bit flustered.

“Too cold, man,” Dean said, adjusting his position a little. He heard Cas rub his hands together.

“Better?” Cas asked as he spread the now lukewarm oil on Dean’s back.

“Hmhm,” was all Dean could manage, because Cas’ hands were running up and down his back. The friction created the electric sparks again, like a growing flame.

Dean’s heart beat faster every time Cas’ hands dipped down into the small of his back, he tried hard to keep his breathing under control. His stomach grew tight when Cas moved on to his legs, he started on his calfs but slowly made his way up.

The pressure disappeared and for a moment Dean wanted to groan at the loss. But then the hands returned, this time caressing his thighs and he let out a moan, a freaking moan. His breathing became harder, and he had to give everything he had not to moan again when Cas’s hands moved over his inner thigh.

Dean had felt the tension between him and Cas from day one, but he didn’t expect it to have such an effect on him as it was now. To have this contact with someone, no with Cas, was everything he wanted yet everything he feared.

After ten minutes of the exhausting tension, Castiel moved back to Dean’s neck. They were both breathing heavily now, and when Cas spoke next, his voice sounded even deeper than usual.

“I think we’re done,” his hands lingered on Dean’s body before he moved away. Cas had apparently walked out of the room because Dean heard one of the doors open.

Dean opened his eyes, this had been a bizarre freaking day. He sat up and remembered that his clothes were actually in a different room, great, he stood up and made sure the towel was still wrapped around his waist, yeah maybe it was a little tight but he was not going to think about that right now.

He pulled the door open and was about to step out of the room when he bumped into something.

“sonofabitch,” Dean cursed.

“Sorry, I was just trying to help by getting your clothes…” Castiel mumbled.

Dean looked at Cas, his hair was ruffled and his eyes were dark. The sight alone was enough to make Dean’s stomach flip over, without thinking he licked his lips.

He could see that Cas’ eyes flashed to his mouth, his voice was lower again when he spoke.

“I’ll leave you alone, then.” And with that he walked off.

 

* * *

 

Dean had canceled his dinner plans with the group, instead he had been standing underneath the cold water for at least ten minutes.

His mind tried so hard not to think of Cas’ hands on his body. The way his eyes had looked when Dean bumped into him and especially of Castiel’s deep voice...

His hands were on himself before he even realized, his whimpers turned into moans and his entire body was exhilarating with the tiny sparks. He placed one hand on the cool bathroom tiles, the water running down his spine made him think of the massage oil.

The walls he had been building up in his head seemed to be crumbling down, he wondered what would have happened if he had kissed Cas this afternoon.

He remembered the way Cas’ hands had caressed his inner thighs, he groaned again at the memory. Dean’s pace quickened, his breathing became shallow and the thought of Cas’ deep voice saying his name, sent him over the edge. He let out a moan that sounded suspiciously like Cas’ name.

His breathing slowed down a little, his vision was actually a bit blurry. He cleaned himself off and wrapped himself in a towel, at least this time it wasn’t too tight…

Dean flopped his suitcase open on the bed, picking out a more comfortable outfit. He settled on an older pair of jeans and a gray sweatshirt. He glanced at one of the books he had started reading on day one, he shrugged and picked it up.  

It took him some time before he could concentrate on the actual story, his mind occasionally wandered off to Cas.

 

* * *

 

“I’m going to call him tonight,” Castiel said with determination.

“Oh please, I don’t need to know that you’re planning a sex date with Dean.” Balthazar grimaced.

“Very funny,” Castiel smiled sarcastically.

“Wait so you’re not calling Dean?”

“Balthazar, seriously?” Cas sighed, his friend could really be a pain in the ass sometimes.

“Sorry, just trying to cheer you up.” Balthazar shrugged.

“Thanks, but you’re failing miserably.” Castiel pushed his food away, he was too nervous to eat.

“Well I get that Michael is literally the definition of an arsehole, but why are you so scared of him?” Balthazar pushed his empty plate to the side and started on Cas’.

“Honestly, I don’t know… I just never get what he wants with me.” Castiel sighed.

“Do you want me to be there when you phone him?” Balthazar asked while piercing a piece of chicken with his fork.

“No, I’d rather be alone. Thanks, though,” he smiled at Balthazar.

“No problem, love. I’ll keep my phone with me just in case.”

 

* * *

 

Dean was on the phone with Sam, telling him about the last days on the ship. He told him about the hall of  fame, the music nights (sort of) and about his new friends. He didn’t even go near the subject of the massage, though.

In exchange, Sam told him about his and Jessica’s visit to the local animal shelter. Of course it had been Sam’s idea, he had always liked animals, especially dogs. He also asked Dean if he would make another appointment with Coach Ron and how everything was going between him and Cas.

Dean’s phone vibrated in his hand. “Hold on, Sammy.” He checked the screen of his phone, there was a new text from an unknown number. Dean frowned, who the hell could that possibly be?

“You okay?” Sam asked, his tone of voice mildly concerned.

“Yeah, one sec” Dean clicked on the text message.

“You should go to the beach, he needs someone (else) to talk to. - smooches B”

The text was obviously from Balthazar, it didn’t really surprise Dean that he had his number. But he was more concerned with the context because was there something wrong with Cas?

“I gotta go, I think Cas needs me,” Dean said, already searching the room for his shoes.

“Oh, is he okay?” Sam asked the question Dean wished he knew the answer to.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

“Well be sure to text me afterward,” Sam said.

“Sure, say hi to Jess for me,” Dean said while trying, and failing, to put on his shoes with one hand. He clamped his phone between his head and right shoulder, that was somewhat easier.

“Of course, good luck.”

Immediately after he hung up, he grabbed his jacket with the keycard and rushed out of the door.

He was relieved to see that the guard at the door wasn’t stopping people from going outside. However, the next problem was something a little bigger, where was Cas? He decided that yelling wasn’t a good idea, so he walked towards the beach, hoping to find him soon.

It was pretty dark outside, he could just make out the water from the sand. But after walking for about 5 minutes, he thought he saw a figure sitting down in the sand. Once he got close enough he could definitely see that it was Cas.

Castiel looked up at Dean, but he stayed quiet so Dean sat down next to him, ignoring the shitload of sand that was now in his shoes and pants.

“Hey,” Dean said, looking at the water.  

“Hey,” Cas softly replied.

A silence fell between them, Dean was not good at these types of conversations.

“You okay?” He finally managed.

“I guess,” Castiel shrugged and Dean could tell he wasn’t, because the Castiel he had gotten to know was always open and so sure of himself.

“So talk to me,” he pushed.  

“My brother texted me, as you know, and I thought he wanted to give his usual ‘you can better your life’ speech and convince me to come home for the Holidays.” Castiel paused, his lips pursed together.

“But there was something else?” Dean guessed.

“Well he still gave me the speech, but yeah there was more. I think I told you about my aunt, you know the one I lived with until I became old enough to move in with Gabriel.”

Dean nodded, he had a feeling where this was going, and judging by the look on Cas’s face he wasn’t wrong.

“I know you can guess the next part, but the silly thing is I never noticed. I mean she wasn’t perfect, we had our fights and disagreements, but she was still the closest thing I had to a mother, you know. Even after I moved in with Gabriel we kept in contact, I visited her a few times a year and even then I failed to notice that she was ill…”

“She probably didn’t want you to worry,” Dean said. He knew all too well what it felt like to tell your loved ones that something is wrong with you. But he could also tell that Cas felt guilty about not noticing, Dean felt bad for him.

“And that’s not even the worst part,” Castiel cleared his throat. “Do you know what Michael said to me after he told me that she had passed away? He asked me to join him in court because we had to legally fight for the inheritance.”

“What a dick,” Dean said without thinking.

“Do you think that she would hate me?” Castiel asked carefully. His arms wrapped around his legs, hugging them while laying his chin on his knees. He looked more vulnerable than Dean had even seen him.

“Of course not, why do you think that?” Dean was getting more worried about Cas.

“Well, Michael said…” His voice trembled. “He said that I should have stayed with her, that it was selfish of me to leave her like that. I didn’t even know she was sick, Dean. I didn’t even know…”    

Dean couldn’t bare the sight of Cas being so upset, he felt terrible. “Shhh, it’s not your fault,” he wrapped his arm around Cas’ body.

Cas immediately leaned into the touch, his body shivering because of the cold breeze. Dean briefly wondered how long Cas had been out here, he was wearing a simple t-shirt that seemed way too cold.

Dean mentally rolled his eyes at the cliche, but he took his jacket off anyway. He placed it over Cas’ shoulders, “Won’t you get cold?” Cas asked.

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Dean said, feeling glad he had put on a sweatshirt after dinner.

Castiel smiled at him and Dean found himself smiling back, because how could not? Every time he made Cas smile, it made him feel like a better person.

“So tell me about her, what was she like?” Dean carefully asked after a few minutes.

“She was… different. She didn’t share the same religious beliefs as my parents did, but neither did she fully approve of my sexuality.” Castiel’s voice was soft, making it clear that he didn’t have any bad feelings towards her. “She made sure I wasn’t spoiled,” Cas chuckled. “But she never forgot to celebrate the little things, you know? Like the first 'A' I got at my new school, or the time I won best poem at the local newspaper. I mean even after I started dating a guy, she might not have approved, but at least she never turned her back on me.”

“She sounds like a good person,” Dean said, hoping it would make feel Cas at least a little better.

“She was,” Cas said.

“But one thing…”

“What?” Cas’ eyes narrowed a little, something Dean noticed he always did when he got confused. 

“You’re a poet?” Dean grinned.    

“Oh shut up,” Cas rolled his eyes and playfully batted Dean’s arm. 

“No, please Shakespeare, do tell.”

Cas cleared his throat, “Okay, but remember, you asked for it”.   

“Sure,” Dean laughed. 

Castiel looked at him and shifted a little, his eyes narrowed just a little before he spoke: 

_“To the unluckiest in the world_

_who can just see the dark at night_

_but not the beauty and its magic._

_For I see the most enchanting_

_right in front of me._

_A green as emeralds_

_with facets of joy and pain_

_so bright and beautiful_

_as the stars glistening along the sky._

_Which appear to me as lost ones_

_who are sailing to the moon._ ”

 

Dean was silent for a moment, “that was ah-, really good actually.” He cleared his throat awkwardly, but Castiel seemed to be amused.

“We should probably go back, before the ship leaves without us.” Dean said. 

“Yeah, probably” Cas chuckled, looking at him. 

Dean stood up, waiting for Cas to join him but instead he just reached out his hand. With a chuckle Dean took a hold of Cas’ hand, pulling him up. Dean felt a tingle when their hands touched, reminding him of the moment they shared in the massage room. His heart began to beat faster when Cas didn’t let go of his hand, and simply leaned in to give Dean a hug. Dean froze, not really knowing what to do with himself. 

“You’re supposed to hug back, you dork.” Cas smiled into Dean’s collar. 

Dean chuckled nervously, “right”.  He carefully wrapped his arms around Cas’ neck, pulling his body closer. The hug was soothing to Dean for some reason, even though he was supposed to be comforting Cas, he couldn’t help but feel safe and at ease. 

Cas leaned back a little, creating space between them. He looked at Dean, their eyes locked and Cas’ hand shot up to trail his face lightly, and for a moment Dean felt like he would be okay. Until he realized what was about to happen, they were getting closer and closer, he could feel Cas’ lips ghosting over his own. 

He could feel his heart beating in his throat, it was racing. His stomach was twisting and… “I can’t…” he whispered against Cas’ lips. He turned around and practically stormed away, again.

 

* * *

 

_2006, January 12th_

_“You’re leaving again, aren’t you?” Dean sighed. It was about 4.30 in the morning, but Aidan was standing next to the bed, and Dean was sitting up, watching him get dressed._

_“You know why, Dean.” Aidan said coolly, but he looked a bit irritated._

_“You never used to sneak out, you know.” Dean knew it was useless to argue, but he was annoyed at Aidan, maybe it was due to his lack of sleep…_

_“Yes and do you realize how stupid that was? Someone could have seen me, or worse, seen us.” Aidan said while buttoning up his shirt._

_“So?” This was going absolutely nowhere, but he couldn’t help himself._

_“I’m not having this conversation with you again, bye Dean.” And with that he walked out of the bedroom._

_Dean groaned out of frustration, letting himself fall back onto the bed. He really cared about Aidan, but all his little rules and precautions were getting on Dean’s nerves._

_One moment they would be cuddling and watching a movie, stealing a kiss every now and then. But the next second, Aidan would be yelling at Dean, calling him names and blaming him for all kinds of things he didn’t do. It was so tiring, but Dean couldn’t walk away from him._

_The only one who knew about them was Sam, and probably his girlfriend. But Dean hadn’t even bothered to tell his friends, let alone his dad…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading chapter 5, I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> My wonderful and talented friend Veena (PB16553) helped me so much with writing the chapter and the poem, check her out for more awesomeness.


	6. A tumble down memory lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it to chapter 6! 
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains a lot of violence and anxiety.

_2008, May 9th (around 11 pm)_

Dean’s heart was rapidly beating, his stomach full with jitters. He ran as fast as he could without even noticing how his lungs were yearning for air. The sand was heavy under his feet, every sprint seemed like one of those slow-motion dreams you could never seem to escape. The crisp air was making his eyes tear up, at least he thought it was the wind that was leaving his face tear stained. He frantically wiped at his cheeks, almost causing him to lose his balance, but he recovered just in time.  

It was only when Dean opened the door to his room, that his legs collapsed under his weight. He was breathing heavily by now, his lungs burning and gratefully taking in the air. He was on his knees, trying hard not to double over, knowing that would cause nausea.    

His mind was racing, he couldn't filter his thoughts and memories hit him like bullets. “ _Stop fighting you piece of shit_ ”. No, get ahold of yourself, Dean. 

He needed to call someone, Sam. He looked around the room, where was his damn phone? And why was the room spinning? The fact that he was still breathing heavily kept igniting his anxiety, which led to more dizziness and, well, the vicious circle continued.

“ _How about I just fucking shoot you right now?!..."_ the memory didn't seem to fade away like usual.

“Shut up!” Dean's hands reached up to cover his temples, trying hard to concentrate on the reality. He tried to stand up, get to his medication, but it was already too late. The flashbacks started to flood his head like a breaking dam, one agonizing drop of memory at a time.

* * *

 

_2006 February 13th_

_The kitchen radio was softly buzzing in the background, playing the local rock station. Dean sat on the bed with his eyes closed, listening to the music while Aidan was lying on his stomach, reading a magazine about bodybuilding. It was usually Dean's favorite moment of their time together, there was no potential fight or argument, just peace, and quiet. They had been sitting like this for the past half hour, the only sound coming from the radio and occasionally Dean would sing along._

_A knock on the door echoed through the apartment as Chad Kroeger's voice vocalized the lines to 'animals'. Dean's eyes fluttered open and turned towards Aidan, who looked to be more confused than Dean felt; they rarely had any visitors._

_“Dean?” another, louder knock on the door. Dean could hear the blood rushing in his ears loudly and his insides grew cold. His face must have been a neon sign for panic because Aidan was now looking anxiously in the direction of the front door._

_Dean lifted himself from the bed, his feet heavy as he came closer and closer to the door. He had only just turned the handle when the entire door swung open, “What took you so long?” John Winchester asked._

_“I’m sorry,” Dean said with a small voice, but John didn’t listen. He was already standing in the kitchen, grabbing a bottled beer from the fridge._

_Dean’s heart was beating, but he didn’t dare to glance in the direction of his bedroom door, he practically prayed to everything that it was shut._

_“So don’t get me wrong, I like spending time with the family. But, why are you here?" Even though they lived in the same town, it was always Dean who visited his dad and never the other way around."Is something wrong?” Dean decided it was best to cut the crap and get to the reason his father would show up, unannounced. The faster he’d be out of here the faster Dean’s heart could go back to a healthy pace._

_John was silent for a moment, taking a sip from his beer before speaking. “Look, I know I never properly explained why we had to take more... precautions than most families, and I still believe it’s better that way, but when I paid off my last debt I assumed it would be over. However, I came to learn the hard way that that’s not true, sadly. I just want to make sure you and Sammy are being careful, that’s all.”_

_“Dad, what happened?” His dad hardly mentioned their life on the run, nor who they had been running from._

_John clenched his jaw, but he didn’t yell or swear like Dean was used to. The tone of his voice was cold, “They’re not done with me yet.”_

_“What does that even mean?” Dean felt confused, what more could they possibly want._

_“They don’t like the fact that I got away from them, so they want a fitting punishment.”_

_Dean raised his eyebrows, his father’s confession made him feel uneasy. John wouldn’t talk about this unless he had to, not unless it was extremely important._

_“And what does that mean?” Dean asked, fearing the answer._

_“They want me dead.” John said and his tone left Dean’s insides cold._

_A loud bang sounded from the bedroom, Dean’s heart jumped as he realized what, or rather who had caused the noise. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh, fuck._

_John was immediately on edge, his hand reached behind his back and Dean was just in time to stop him from pulling his gun._

_“No wait, it’s nothing!” He said with a panicked voice._

_“That didn’t sound like nothing.” John said as he walked directly towards the bedroom and Dean, in total panic mode, threw himself in front of the door. It was completely pointless, though, because it took John less than a second to move Dean out of the way and open the door._

_A shirtless Aidan was hurrying to get up from the floor, he had apparently been listening to the conversation through the wall and in typical Aidan style fallen between the bed and the surface._

_“Who is he?” the anger was more than clear in John’s voice. He turned back to Dean, his expression was even more frightening._

_“I was gonna tell you, but-” Dean’s voice couldn’t have sounded any weaker if he tried._

_“Tell me what?!” John shouted back in anger._

_“He’s my-”_

_“Don’t you dare even finish that sentence.”_

_Dean swallowed, he felt ashamed towards his father, guilty even, because he knew his dad would never agree with this._

_“Out,” John said pointing towards Aidan, who was looking at him like he was about to be shot. Without a word Aidan grabbed his jacket and ran out of the apartment, not even bothering to put on a shirt._

_“I’m so sorry.” Dean tried, but he knew it was useless._

_“Do you have any idea,” John took a deep breath. “I’ve protected you all these years, I made sure you and Sammy were safe, I took every shitty job I could find just to get out of this stupid deal. AND THEN YOU, GO AND PRANCE AROUND WITH THAT NEON SIGN OF A FAGGOT!”_

_Dean flinched at his father’s choice of words, there was no use telling his dad that he cared about Aidan. Just like there was no use in telling him that his feelings towards guys were stronger, that in a way he preferred men to women._

_“We didn’t tell anyone,” Dean tried again, hoping that there was something to say that would calm his dad down._

_“I can't believe that you would betray your own family like that."_

* * *

 

_2008, May 9th_

"Dean, can you open the door?" Cas' voice sounded from far away, like an echo in a long hallway.

Dean lifted his head, he was still slouched against the tiled wall, his arm resting on the closed toilet seat.

"Dean?" his voice was followed by a few knocks on the door.  
  
"Go away," Dean couldn't tell if he had said it out loud.

"Dean?" A new voice he knew he recognized from somewhere joined the echo.

"Hold on," the voice who didn't belong to Cas said. Dean could hear a keycard being slid into the lock of the door, followed by footsteps coming into the room.

He thought of quickly locking the door, but it seemed childish and pointless. And he was pretty sure that if he stood up or moved at all, he'd start to throw up again.

It took them less than a second to realize he was in the bathroom, the door swung open.

Cas walked in, the other person waited in the door opening, and Dean realized the voice belonged to Coach Ron.

"Oh my god," Cas said, clearly shocked. What would follow next would either be pity or disappointment. Dean feared both equally.

"That bad, huh?" Dean joked. But his voice was weak, and it didn't fool anyone.  

Cas knelt down next to him on the floor, Dean couldn't bare to look at him. He already felt like an idiot after having one of these panic attacks and now Cas had seen them too. It made the situation worse and Dean had to take deep breaths to try and swallow the new wave of nausea.

He tried to keep his eyes open, which was proven to be hard when the whole room was spinning. He heard Cas getting up and turn on the sink, Dean took a quick look and saw that he was wetting one of the white towels.

Cas turned back to Dean. He knelt back down and pressed the cold towel against Dean’s forehead, wiping away the cold sweat. Dean groaned in resistance, he tried to swat away the towel but his limbs felt too weak, he wasn’t even halfway before Castiel slapped his hand away.

It was awfully silent in the room, no ‘what happened’ or ‘what’s wrong with you?’, nothing. And somehow the silence was worse, like an unanswered question that keeps gnawing at your brain.

“Do we need to take him to first aid?” Castiel asked, obviously asking Ron.    

“No,” Dean groaned. The last thing he needed was to have some medical nancy gaping at him and his problems, trying to put the symptoms together and realizing he was just a giant pussy.

Dean knew exactly what he did need, it was waiting for him in the drawer of his nightstand. And while Coach Ron knew perfectly well about Dean’s anxiety, Cas didn’t even know half of it. Oh god, now Cas was about to figure out exactly how screwed up Dean was.

"Where do you keep it?" Coach Ron asked.

Cas looked confused, but Dean was too relieved to care, thank god Ron knew what Dean needed. "Top drawer," he muttered.

Coach Ron disappeared and Dean could hear the drawer open, why was it taking so long for Ron to find it? Didn't he get it? He needed the medicine _now._

After what seemed like an eternity Coach Ron returned with the familiar looking bottle of Xanax, there was no time for relief, though, not yet. He took two of the long, white pills and waited for the serenity to return and fresh air to fill his lungs. He hadn't taken Xanax for a long time, not even after his freak out the other night. It had been months actually...        

“Dean?” Cas’ eyes pierced into his and awoke him from his thoughts. He quickly came to realize why Cas sounded worried, he was hyperventilating again. He felt tired, it was getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open. There was no adrenaline rush this time, his breathing became shallow and it was only a matter of seconds before everything turned black.

 

* * *

 

_2006, March 1st_

_Hands grabbed him, gripping at his arms and pinning them on his back. He tried to loosen the grip by kicking the person behind him in the shins. It worked because as soon as his heel connected with the bone, the other man groaned and his grip became weaker. Dean managed to shake free, ducking just in time to avoid an avenging punch. Once he was out of reach from the stranger his first instinct was to look around the area, check his advantages and disadvantages, as his dad had taught him._

_There were parked cars everywhere since they were in the parking lot of his work, but no lights or street lanterns. The man was wearing dark clothes, which was smart because it made him less visible in the dark. He had apparently recovered because he was nearing Dean again, man, this stranger was really set on fighting him._

_"Who are you?" Dean asked in suspicion, but the stranger didn't answer. Instead, he came lunging towards him and his fist collided with Dean's stomach. The feeling of all the air being blown out your lungs was definitely not something he would ever get used to, but from the practice fights with his dad he knew how to recover. Dean pretended to double over in pain, giving him the element of surprise when he swung his fist at the man._

_His opponent looked around nervously, and for a second Dean thought he was going to run away, but he didn't. He nodded in a direction left to them, Dean followed his gaze and it was then he felt the first spark of panic. Two more guys showed up, their clothes also dark and faces unrecognizable._

_One of them let out a laugh, but there was no trace of emotion to it. "Can't even handle the kid?"_

_Dean frowned at the comment, apparently they were surprised at his will to fight. He was trying to estimate his chances here, which were, obviously, pretty low. The three men stood in front of Dean, but neither of them said or did anything, it was confusing the hell out of him._

_"Are we going to stand here like pretty ladies or what?"  Dean's attitude got the best of him._

_The same smug laughter came from the guy in the middle, "You'd better watch out boy"._

_"What? You think I'm scared of you?" Dean bluffed. "Now I'm sorry but that whole backstreet boys thing you got going on isn't impressing anyone."_

_“ _How about I just fucking shoot you right now?"  T_ he guy on the left piped up. But the man in the middle, who seemed to be their supervisor (or boss, or whatever killing-boyband terms they used) gestured for him to calm down.  _

_"Isn't that funny and reckless, bravo." The tone of his voice was too calm for a situation like this, Dean knew there was no way out now.  
_

_"What can I say, I like to think my sense of humor is one of my best qualities."  Dean gave them his best sarcastic laugh._

_"It's a shame you won't be able to share it anymore, oh well." The Nick Carter of the group turned around, "I think you can handle it from here."_

_Dean watched him leave in confusion, wasn't this somewhat evening out his chances?_

_But foul expressions spread over the others' faces, something told Dean that there wasn't much of a chance anymore. And he was right because the one threatening him earlier now actually took out a gun._

_"You can act tough all you want, but daddy isn't going to save you now," he said._

_Dean's heart beat faster, what did they know about his dad? And how did they know that he would be here. "What do you want from me?"_

_"Sorry," the man to the right said with no remorse whatsoever. "Can't tell you, but I also don't want to,"  he smiled, baring his terrible teeth._

_"Yeah?" Dean's fear was slowly getting replaced by annoyance. "I bet your little boss doesn't tell you Jack squat, I bet you two are just doing his dirty work."_

_"Shut up!" the one with the pirate teeth said, but the guy holding the gun shushed him._

_"You wanna know how we found you?" He asked with a haunting tone._

_"Hot singles dot net?" Dean asked sarcastically._

_"Actually we ran into a little friend of yours, or should I say fagfriend?"_

_Dean's heart sunk in his chest, "What did you do to him?"_

_"Oh don't worry he's alive, but here comes the fun part. We offered him a deal, tell us where you are or we would expose him for who he is, a filthy faggot."_

_Dean's jaw clenched, he didn't want to hear what they had to say anymore._

_"Well, I don't think I need to tell you what choice he made, in fact, he didn't even need to think about it. He was more than happy to rat you out."_

_"And now you have me, well done." Dean bit back, but the truth was that he felt betrayed. He could have known that Aidan would never stand up for him in public, maybe he rightfully sensed that he was in danger? They would have made Aidan tell them anyway... Yet he wondered if the boyband asshole had lied, did Aidan even think about it?_

_"Save the bravado for your boyfriend... oh, wait, he betrayed you." Both of the guys laughed._

_Dean couldn't take it anymore, he was so done with them, with all of this. He lunged at the one holding the gun, hoping to overpower him. But his emotions made him weaker, and the metal frame of the gun hit his head. Dean fell to the ground, but when he tried to get up his legs were too unstable and he couldn't avoid the second punch in time._

_He vaguely felt hands picking him up by his shoulders and feet, he tried to roll out of their grip, but they were strong. Somehow his foot got free and he managed to kick one guy in the face._

_“Stop fighting you piece of shit_ ” _One of them said while trying to get ahold of his leg again._

_An elbow connected with his stomach and this time it knocked him out, everything slowly faded away..._

* * *

_2008, May 9th_

Dean woke up lying down on something soft, he figured they must have moved him to the bed after he passed out. He tried to open his eyes but quickly discovered that it made him feel so dizzy that the room literally started spinning. His head was a bit fuzzy, probably because that was one of the side effects of Xanax, but at least his anxiety was at a manageable level again. 

He felt the bed sink in around his feet, he briefly wondered if Cas or Ron was sitting down.

“He left, in case you were wondering,” Castiel answered his question. “I promised to stay and keep an eye on you,” he added quietly.

“Oh,” Dean didn’t really know what to say. One side of him felt relieved to have Cas with him, but the other part was worried, because what did Cas know? Did he know about his medication? Or the extreme extent of his panic attacks? Well, obviously he did now, fucking genius.

“Please stop thinking so hard, you’re gonna give yourself an aneurysm.”

“Shut up,” Dean groaned weakly. How could Cas even tell that he was thinking ‘so hard’? For all he knew his face was a blank canvas. Could Castiel know what he was thinking about?

“Seriously, it looks like you’re hurting yourself.”

“I’ll be fine,” if Cas could just stop worrying about him that would be peachy.  

It was quiet for a moment, Dean tried hard to fight the waves of nausea that came every time he opened his mouth to say something.

Cas was the first to break the silence. "You should probably call your brother..." His eyes switched nervously between Dean and Dean's cell phone. 

"He knows about the.." Dean paused, "all this?"

There was that worried look on Cas' face again. "You don't remember?"

"Remember what?" Dean asked impatiently.  

"You called him, even before we came in. It's actually the only reason we were able to find you when we did."

Dean furrowed his eyebrows, he didn't remember calling his brother. However, there was this vague notion of wanting to call him though the phone had been nowhere near Dean's reach. Or had it? Dean could tell Cas was about to speak up again, telling him off for thinking too hard. He silenced him by grabbing the phone off his nightstand, noticing the missed calls from both Sam and Jess' phone. He didn't feel anywhere near ready to face Sam so he quickly typed a text message: " _You can stop worrying, I'm fine. Cas is here, too_. -  _Dean_ "

Just like he expected the phone started ringing the second Dean pressed send. He dismissed the call and flipped the phone over so he wouldn't see the screen lighting up with every call.

"I wish he would stop calling," Dean said after the phone rang for the third time in a row.

"He's just worried about you," Cas replied. An answer Dean already knew, but also couldn't handle right now. 

“I’m really sorry,” Cas said out of the blue. It caught Dean off guard. He didn’t have to ask for what of course, he knew all too well why Cas wanted to apologize.

“This isn’t on you, Cas.”

“Yes, it is Dean. I knew you were having a hard time with this, yet I go and try to kiss you..”

Dean tried not to blush, hearing Cas talk about it out loud made it feel different somehow, so real.

“I’m officially a douchebag.”

“You’re not the douchebag here, you did what any normal person would have done, Cas." Dean opened his eyes for a second, trying to blink away the dizziness.

“Would you please just let me apologize?” Cas pursed his lips.    

The room was still spinning, but it had reduced to a just-got-off-a-spinning-chair kind of dizzy, instead of the previous space-training-centrifuge-dizzy.

“No,” Dean said persistently.

“You’re stubborn,” Cas simply stated.

“So are you,” Dean bit back, at which Cas rolled his eyes.

“How are you feeling, though?” 

“Dizzy,” Dean said honestly.

For a second Cas seemed to move forward, reach out for Dean’s hand, but he refrained. Instead, he got up and disappeared into the bathroom.    

Dean sighed, another person was had added themselves to the list of ‘people who treat Dean like a ticking time bomb’.

Cas returned with the towel, pressing the cold, wet corner gently against Dean's forehead. Dean closed his eyes, the cold water was somewhat helped his head clear up. When he opened his eyes again, the furniture seemed to stay in place. But he could now see that Castiel was practically standing on the other side of the room, his arm stretched out so that he could just about reach Dean’s forehead. It was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes, “You can sit down on the bed if you want.”

Cas looked unsure, his eyes shifted between Dean and the edge of the bed. He eventually sat down, still as far away from Dean as the small bed would allow.  

"I think I owe you an explanation," Dean decided.

"You don't _owe_ me anything," Cas replied with a serious face.   

"Maybe, maybe not. But I think it's only fair for you to know what's wrong with me," Dean sat straighter up on the bed. Blinking a few times when the dizziness warned him not to move that fast. Castiel shot him a worried glance but didn't say anything, he was now holding the towel in his lap.   

"So as you have noticed, I get these dumb panic attacks. I have been having them for a long time which obviously sucks ass."  Dean started fidgeting with a thread on the covers, this was never easy, but a nod from Cas encouraged him.

"Well, they started about two years ago, after..." he swallowed, trying to relax before continuing his story. "Something happened with my dad, my boyfriend at the time and myself." 

 

* * *

 

_2006, March 1st_

_It was completely dark around him, at first his mind tricked him into thinking his eyes were still closed, but he quickly became aware of the fact that, wherever he was, it was pitch black. There were two other things he noticed, the terrible smell that seemed to be mold, and the fact that he couldn't move his arms or legs._

_"Damn it," he cursed under his breath. A tight rope was keeping both his hands and legs together._

_Dean tried to reach for the small knife he always kept in his shoe. It was a rule that his father had made sure he would never forget._

_"Damn it," he cursed again when he felt nothing in the back of his shoe. They, whoever they were, must have searched him before locking him in here._

_He wondered if they would come back to kill him. Or maybe they would come back to torture him, try to figure out where his dad was. The idea of not knowing what was going to happen next made him feel beyond uneasy._

_He fell asleep a couple of times, but he had no way of knowing for how long he slept. The darkness never changed and minutes could have been hours, or worse, seconds. Every time he woke up he would try to get out of the ropes, but so far he failed. Though the rope burns hurt like a bitch, they were nothing compared to his hunger and thirst._

_Dean was half asleep when something woke him up, a sound. A loud click echoed through the room, confirming Dean's assumption that he was in a large room. Though it was the sound that woke him, it was what had caused it that peaked his interest. A small light came on, it wasn't very bright and his eyes quickly adjusted to the new light source. He still couldn't see much, he could make out the shadows of his own body and when he looked closer to the light he could see that it was hanging above a door._

_Tall shadows rose up about every 10 feet, marking metal pillars. Was he in an abandoned warehouse? Even in this situation he still had to roll his eyes at the action-movie-cliché._

_He fell asleep a few times after that, every time he woke up he expected the light to be turned off. Like it had merely been a dream, but it was still there._

_A new sound woke him up again, but this time it wasn't a light or something inanimate; it was the sound of heavy footsteps._

_"Dean!" John's voice shouted from the darkness._

_"Dad?" Dean called back and his voice broke. He felt torn between relief and terror, this was what they wanted, this was their plan. They had gotten him here to use him as bait, Dean should have known that they wouldn't kill him just because of his relationship with Aidan. "Dad, get out of here!" Dean tried, but it was too late._

_The sound of a body being smacked into the wall filled the large space, Dean's heart fastened. Dean wished he could see what was happening, but it was too dark around him, he could only listen. Punches, someone was fighting his dad. After a few minutes, a body dropped to the floor and footsteps grew near._

_And then he saw him, John Winchester, there were a few cuts on his face and his lip seemed swollen, but he was okay. Dean sighed in relief, he knew his dad could stand his ground in a fight, but it never made the uneasy feeling completely go away._

_"We need to move quickly," his father spoke._

_"Yes, sir." Dean nodded, he understood that every second they stayed was another second something could go horribly wrong. John fell to his knees, trying to undo the ropes on Dean's hands._

_"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I got you dragged into this..." John said softly._

_"No, it's my own fault I should have listened to you in the first place." Dean didn't want his dad to apologize, he wanted his forgiveness for being so reckless. He should have listened to his dad when he got the chance, and definitely not have gone out and get a boyfriend._

_"It doesn't matter, as long as we get away safely." John's voice was soft, it was unlike his dad to be this understanding and comforting figure._

_"Are you okay?" Dean asked, but he never got an answer because at that exact moment the sound of people yelling filled the air. Big lights turned on one by one, blinding Dean for a few seconds as his eyes were only adjusted to the small light._

_Dean's hands and feet were free now, but before he could get up his dad was already standing in front of him. The next few seconds felt like slow motion: Men in black clothes ran into the room, they were yelling to each other, cursing even. One of them reached into his pocket and took out a gun, aiming it towards John, but he was faster. John ducked and managed to hit the man in his stomach, getting control over the gun. The sound of a gunshot filled the air and the man collapsed onto the floor. But another one had taken out his gun, aiming it at Dean, who sat frozen on the ground._

_Two shots fired and Dean automatically shut his eyes, he probably deserved to die, this was all his fault after all. Dean waited for the bullet to collide with his chest, or maybe his head, but he felt nothing. He quickly reopened his eyes and he felt his insides grow cold._

_"Dad?" Dean's voice was distant as he didn't even hear his own voice above the rushing noise in his ears._

_John was standing upright, still holding the gun in his right hand, but there was something off about him. His gray t-shirt was decolored with a wet, red liquid and his legs wavered._

_"Dad, please..." Dean swallowed hard, rule number one his dad taught him: stay calm._

_Dean tried to stand up, but he felt lightheaded and his legs were shaky. He put John's arm over his shoulder, hoping to get them out of here before more people showed up. But when John's weight shifted entirely on Dean, his knees weren't strong enough. They both tumbled to the ground, Dean managed to catch John before his face could hit the ground._

_"Please, dad, I need your help." His voice was starting to break, he took deep breaths, he needed to stay calm._

_"I- I can't move my-" John started coughing loudly, blood splattered from his mouth._

_Dean tried to get his dad to sit up, he knew it would help him to breathe better. He positioned John against one of the metal pillars, holding him there just in case._

_"You have to get out of here," John spoke with a rough voice_

_"I'm not going to leave you here, dad" He bit down on his trembling lip._

_"I'm proud of you son," John spoke softly._

_"No, don't you say things like that." Dean's mind was racing, he was trying so hard not to panic, he had to do something. "911," he said to no one in particular. He reached into his dad's jacket, feeling a little wave of relief when he felt a mobile phone. The whole call with the operator was harsh and short, mainly because he couldn't get any words out of his mouth and just wanted them to hurry the fuck up._

_"I remember this one time..." John took a shallow breath. "when you and Sammy were just little boys, you wanted to celebrate Christmas but all the shops were closed."_

_"Dad, you shouldn't waste your breath..." Dean's voice faltered._

_John's lips turned into his smile, his eyes seemed distant like they were reliving that exact day. "You took Sammy out to the nearest diner, with this Christmas tree"_

_"I remember, that was the night when you found us underneath that tree and yelled at us for three hours until you were hoarse." Dean's voice wasn't steady anymore, he tried hard to keep the tears from running down his face._

_But John didn't seem to notice, "I was so worried about you two," another deep cough. He closed his eyes for a second and Dean nearly lost his mind, but he opened them again. "that was the ugliest Christmas tree I'd ever seen."_

_Dean laughed, but it was more of a sob merged together with a small laugh._

_"I only ever wanted to protect you boys, and I failed." John's smile disappeared and his eyes seemed hollow._

_"No one is perfect," Dean tried to joke, but he knew his dad saw right through him._

_John looked at him and he smiled, something Dean hadn't seen in a long time._

_But then his eyes grew wide, the sound of loud coughing echoed through the room and this time there was a lot of blood coming out of his mouth._

_Dean's panic spiked up again. "Please hold on, they're almost here..."_

_John's hand moved up to grip at Dean's shirt, his eyes were looking at Dean as if he wanted to say something important, but he didn't. Dean grabbed his father's hand, squeezing it to reassure him. Every second seemed like an excruciating eternity, Dean winced every time his dad loudly gasped for air. Eventually he relaxed again, sinking back into the pillar, a few moments of quiet passed but it wasn't long until another coughing fit hit him again._

_Dean's heart felt like it would jump out of his chest any second, he kept looking towards the door, hoping the ambulance personnel would come running through. The coughing was worse this time, it didn't seem to stop and after a few seconds John was gasping for air continuously._

_"Dad?" Dean tried to say, but his voice wasn't there. He watched as his father's face became discolored, how his eyes seemed to roll back into his skull before his entire body collapsed and he fell onto Dean's shoulder. He didn't know what to do, what could he do?_

_"Dad?!" Dean was yelling by this point, trying desperately to wake up him. "Damnit!" he angrily wiped at he tears that were now streaming down his cheeks._

_At that moments the door swung open, three men came running into the room followed by two policemen carrying an ambulance stretcher._

_"Save him!" Dean yelled at the staff, denying every thought in his head saying it was too late._

_They pushed Dean out of the way as soon as they reached his dad. Multiple needles were inserted right away, Dean felt like he was going to be sick, he had to look away._

_Dean swallowed hard, trying to stop crying, but he could hear them right next to him; "weak pulse" he heard them say, "we need a tube" and "he isn't breathing."_

_It wasn't until one of the policemen asked him if he was okay that he realized he was hyperventilating. He was hardly breathing and there seemed to be no fresh air left, tears were still streaming down his face and his knees became weak._

 

_The man had just handed him something to help him breathe when the ambulance personnel stopped talking and by the sounds of it stopped moving. Dean turned around just in time to hear one of them say the all too dreaded sentence. "Time of death 5:45 am."_

_And that moment Dean's stomach turned, he turned around and fell to his knees, gagging even though his stomach was empty. The whole room was spinning, this had to be a dream, a really fucked up horror filled dream._

_But he didn't wake up, in fact, it only got worse._

_He had to hear how they called his little brother to tell him what happened, as he couldn't get a word out of his mouth without gagging. Luckily his brother had been staying with his long-term girlfriend Jessica, who lived about 2 hours away from Lawrence. So Dean didn't have to stay at the police station as Sam was coming to get him._

_But it also meant he had to try and stay strong when Sammy eventually arrived at the police station where they had taken him. That he had to_ _face the look of worry on Sam's face as he drove him home and couldn't even talk._

_He didn't speak to Sam at all that night, as soon as they got to Dean's apartment Dean locked himself in his bedroom and curled up in bed. He tried not to think, tried to forget that he had to return to the police station in the next few days, tried to forget that some of those people still might be out there and most of all he tried to forget how his dad had died in his arms._

_But telling yourself what not to think about is like telling a child what not to do, the exact opposite happens. Once again tears filled his eyes, but this time he didn't have to stay strong and for the first time in a long time Dean Winchester cried himself to sleep._

* * *

_2008, May 9th_

“He died in my arms because I wasn’t careful enough…” Dean whispered.

Castiel was still sitting at the end of the bed, but the further along Dean got with his story, the more Cas wished he could reach out and comfort him. Dean looked so fragile even though he tried so hard to be strong, he wasn't crying and his voice wasn't trembling but all the emotion was visible in his eyes. Though he could have been partially neutralized by the medicine. 

"There was nothing you could have done, those people merely took advantage of the situation." Cas tried, knowing Dean would never fully believe it.

Dean's hand went up to wipe over his face, he shook his head. "It must have been thousands of times I wished I could do things differently, but the truth is that I can't."

"Your father didn't die because you fell in love with someone, he was killed because that's what these horrible people do. They think they get to decide whether someone lives or dies based off their personal preferences."

Dean's eyes lifted and met his, Castiel could read the hurt in them and wished there was something he could do. He decided that being cautious with Dean was the best way from now on.

"Would it be okay if I sat next to you?" he asked. A small nod from Dean confirmed this, so Cas moved carefully, tried not to hurry his movements just in case Dean changed his mind. He walked over to the other side of the bed, kicking off his shoes before sitting down on the covers. It was a bit small for two people, but Cas could just sit down without having to touch Dean's shoulder.

"I'm sorry,  and I know that doesn't change anything, but I want you to know that I don't think your panic attacks are dumb. It doesn't make you less as a person because you suffered through something horrible and it's only human that you need time to process those negative feelings." Cas didn't move closer, but tried to sound as sincere as he felt, 

Dean swallowed, he didn't really know what to say except: "Thanks, Cas." Even though there were several people who spoke resembling words to him, hearing Castiel say that he understood was a weight lifting off his shoulder. Castiel didn't know the whole story, though, and Dean didn't know if he was brave enough to tell him but he felt like he had to.

"I still haven't told you everything,"  Dean spoke quietly. 

Castiel shook his head, not sure if Dean was even looking at him. "Another time, I don't want to push you anymore today." 

Dean felt grateful, maybe another time _was_ better. They were quiet for a few minutes and Dean could feel the medication take over more and more, absorbing his energy.  

"I'm tired," Dean said and his voice confirmed that. 

"I'll let you go to sleep then," Cas said, not really sure if he should leave Dean alone yet.

"How can I sleep when I'm still wearing my shoes?" Dean chuckled. Apparently the medicine had taken an effect on his weariness, making him pretty sleep drunk. 

Cas' lips turned into a small smile, at least Dean wasn't hurting when he was like this. Plus he was also pretty adorable with his tousled hair and goofy smile. He walked around the bed and went to take off Dean's shoes.

He was busy untying the second shoe when Dean chuckled again, "that tickles," he explained with the same goofy expression. Castiel rolled his eyes but smiled when Dean basically pouted.

He was about to put away the shoes when Dean made a squirmish sound, "what now?" Castiel asked.

"Uncomfortable," Dean muttered. 

Castiel sighed. "Why are you uncomfortable?"

"Too tight," he patted his jeans with his hand. Castiel bit his lip, Dean was clearly asking him to help him change into more comfortable clothes. Or in other words, help take off his clothes... and while taking off Dean's clothes was quite high on his list, this definitely wasn't the situation he had in mind. Even though there was nothing sexual about it, it made Cas afraid that Dean would panic halfway through or something.

"Casss," Dean whined.

"All right, fine, but you have to take them off yourself. Where do you keep your sweatpants?"  Castiel looked around for a suitcase, he found it standing next to the closet. After some piss-poor directions from sleep-drunk-Dean, Castiel managed to find a pair of black sweatpants and a basic white t-shirt. Dean was struggling to take off his jeans with one hand while his other hand was tugging at the buttons on his shirt, which made Castiel want to facepalm himself. If this was going to end in anxiety lord knows that at least he tried.

He batted Dean's hand away and helped him take the jeans off, trying to look everywhere but Dean's boxers. He told him to lift his hips up as he (tried) to put on the sweatpants. After a few minute struggle of trying to put the clothes on, looking away when Dean took off his shirt and telling Dean that he was perfectly capable of putting his own shirt on, Dean was finally ready to go to sleep. 

"Will you be okay?" Castiel asked.

Dean's eyes widened and Cas felt like he had just kicked a stray puppy. 

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Castiel tried carefully. 

"Could you tell me more about the stars?" Dean managed to say without slurring too much. 

This made Castiel smile, he was secretly pleased that Dean didn't want him to leave. "Sure, want me to get back on the bed?"

Dean confirmed this by a happy nod, which was again very adorable.

"Okay, so.." 

He had settled back onto the bed, keeping the same distance between them as before. And when he told Dean to get under the covers, he stayed on top of them. He was really trying to comply to Dean's wishes without overstepping the boundaries.  

He was halfway through his favorite story about the north star when Dean shifted next to him. He turned onto his side but wrapped his arm around Castiel's torso in the process. Cas went rigid, he stopped talking to check if Dean was still awake. Dean's eyes were closed, his mouth slightly agape and his breathing was slow. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He waited a few seconds, making sure that Dean was actually asleep. 

With hesitation, he put his arm over Dean's shoulder, pressing his body closer. A content sigh escaped the sleeping man, making Castiel's lips curl into a smile again and he couldn't help but press a kiss on the top of Dean's head.

Castiel decided to rest his eyes for a few seconds, it would probably be okay. Having Dean's warm body next to him was very comfortable, though, it was making him sleepy. Somewhere along the way Dean had shifted his body even closer to Cas, resting his head on Castiel's chest and soon they both fell asleep.

 

 

 


End file.
